Fu****ck…


So…the next difficult question came up today… My therapist said that…how I feel about (my recent encounter with a guy) is not clear… How I express myself about it is…confusing. She said that I may feel happy or excited or scared or pissed off, but she’s not sure…

Embarrassed by…how I act…the fact that I don’t say…play games (?)…create drama(?)…keep someone else in the dark(?)…try to control something…act like a scorpion…? I’m being outrightly…testy… trappish…Insecure.

Gosh. If I show how I feel…the freaking sky will fall. Seriously.

Why do I feel that way?

I envision…feeling free, smiling, laughing. Reaching out to touch someone…looking warmly at them.  And then losing it all.

Losing everything.

I discovered, when I (finally after years) let go of the first man I loved…that I still had everything inside me that I had given. That the love I gave was all mine. That I had built a road behind me and it was of hundreds of thousands of bricks of love…

But why does it still feel like…surgery…like a something-ectomy when I show my feelings and I don’t get what feels equal in return…? The feelings are THAT strong…yes.

When will I feel like my love is strong enough…?

love what.jpeg

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About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on January 23, 2017, in Addiction, Adult Children, Alanon, Balance, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, health, Inner child, Outer Child, recovery, Relationship, Self-Care, Uncategorized, withdrawal. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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