So…the next difficult question came up today… My therapist said that…how I feel about (my recent encounter with a guy) is not clear… How I express myself about it is…confusing. She said that I may feel happy or excited or scared or pissed off, but she’s not sure…

Embarrassed by…how I act…the fact that I don’t say…play games (?)…create drama(?)…keep someone else in the dark(?)…try to control something…act like a scorpion…? I’m being outrightly…testy… trappish…Insecure.

Gosh. If I show how I feel…the freaking sky will fall. Seriously.

Why do I feel that way?

I envision…feeling free, smiling, laughing. Reaching out to touch someone…looking warmly at them.  And then losing it all.

Losing everything.

I discovered, when I (finally after years) let go of the first man I loved…that I still had everything inside me that I had given. That the love I gave was all mine. That I had built a road behind me and it was of hundreds of thousands of bricks of love…

But why does it still feel like…surgery…like a something-ectomy when I show my feelings and I don’t get what feels equal in return…? The feelings are THAT strong…yes.

When will I feel like my love is strong enough…?

love what.jpeg


About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on January 23, 2017, in Addiction, Adult Children, Alanon, Balance, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, health, Inner child, Outer Child, recovery, Relationship, Self-Care, Uncategorized, withdrawal. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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