I Can Feel Everything…
Hi. Blog entries are supposed to be planned out and polished and cater to the reader, right? Well, I am still bucking that…after almost 4 years of writing on this particular page my desire to plan it and review it, and make it ‘accessible’ or pretty or attractive or entertaining feels like a real joke to me. What the hell would you read this for? If I tried to make it into something that was about you and not me?!
This is about me–all about me. Just like we learn when we go through some serious shifts or challenges or traumas in our lives, we eventually learn that our involvement, our experience, our choices, our emotions…They were and are all us, and only us.
I continue to write in this blog, kind of indulgently it feels like, in the way that I do because I myself, not necessarily you are anyone else, have not accepted that I exist, that I exist to experience and express and exchange and earn and enjoy and push away and make a mark.
I’ve been lost since my childhood in minimizing, even disappearing myself. Dying to get out there, dying for attention, dying to be seen and heard and to feel valued through what I have and give of myself. But I am still learning to indulge in those things. Still learning what that means. I am 43 and every day I learn such mundane little things about how one ‘lives’ in the world. How to take up space. How to make noise. How to react (or not) around others all the time. I have been caught, like in a video game, however, like on level 7 or something. I just can not get past an obstacle… Whatever fear or pattern or decision or presumption I have about what will happen if I live, if I be seen, if I take something that I need, that I want, that I enjoy…If I don’t act like I am so unworthy of something.
I think it feels like, as if I was in a video game, like I am in a room with no doors. Challenges or tests pop up but I think they may mainly be in my head, and I finally know that I am confined in a room (I lived before like I didn’t know that), but I am at a loss as to what to do in a closed box with not openings (that I can see)… What does one do in that situation. Where you are trapping yourself, you realize finally that you are the one who is trapping yourself, and even in the most ‘present of minds’ you can, can’t for the life of you figure out what the key is to getting out of here.