All I Was Good For


All I was good for was

Washing dishes

(and Vacuuming

Doing laundry

Reading her mind

Being her support, her best friend, her grunt.)

Washing Dishes

(Pretending she cared for me well)

Nothing else about me really mattered

My fear

My joy

Memories

The scary men

My play

My love

My connection

They all excaped her.

Or cost her something… her attention.

But not washing dishes

She kept aside. My needs. I was human. A human child. I was living. I was breathing. I was feeling. I was choosing. I was looking. I was needing. I was hating. I was worrying. I was trying. I was hiding. I was crying. I was gauging. I was playing. I was riding my bike. I was seeing. I was learning. I was loving. I was getting excited about things. I was sad. I was discovering. I was sensing. Everything.

None of it could be important. None of it was included. None of it could be center.

Now, I am good for…knowing that.

I am good for coming to know that I have lived forever like my life is inconvenient. I have lived like my life must be on the outskirts of someone else’s life.

I have lived like who I am is secondary to why she ever kept me in the first place.

I have lived a lie about me. Many lies. Because I believe the lie she told herself. About me. From the very beginning.

I mean, the very beginning.

Now, what am I good for. If I discover that… What does that mean about this life I have lived?

It has been a waste? Because it has all been a lie. My own lie too. Because she told me to dance, so I danced. Like a stupid, stupid girl. Who thought she needed to dance for dinner. A fool.

Did I do anything at all for me? All this time. Did I do anything at all because it was what I was good for?

Trust me now? To know…What I am good for?

Trust me now to know. Just know.

I know I am good for guiding and caring and doing and understanding, and showing and teaching…

I have to know.

What I am good for.

 

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About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on July 14, 2016, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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