I decided to listen to a podcast this morning about using EFT and Matrix re-integration to process personal/emotional issues…
A current Issue of mine… feeling burdensome. When I am alone, as I am staying a lot these days, I am devastated to feel like I am treating my feelings, my emotional baggage as burdensome… I’m used to other people looking upon me that way…But when I am alone, I am doing it to myself!
I moment that came to mind…of misbehavior when I was in grade 2 I think…was when I was being a ‘wise-girl’ with a friend at school. I don’t think I goofed around at school as a habit. I was a pretty quiet and ‘well-behaved’ kid generally. One morning my friend, while we were all singing the national anthem, (as we did in 1979), was getting the words wrong. This happened almost every day. He made the same mistake and it made us kids crack up. For some reason that day I decided to sing the wrong words with him, even though I knew it was out of character for me, and even though I knew I could get ‘in trouble’…hehe.
We ended up both getting sent to the corner, so to speak, which was the first time I had ever been punished in school. I remember the feeling of shame…it’s what I feel now. But is wasnt all because of that incident. It was like I was playing into someone else’s plan that I was going to be trouble no matter what I did. That was just one of the only times that I actually purposely acted out.
The funny thing is that I don’t think I really felt as though I was acting out. I think I really felt like it was an opportunity to have fun. I wouldn’t have done it all by myself, but because my friend was doing it, it was a ship I could jump on…piggy-backing on someone else’s gutsy move.
What I kind of knew in participating in that, and what I kind of learned would be reinforced, was that my fun or funniness would not be tolerated…whenever I chose.
An even more poignant moment that arose in my mind was a moment while I was still in kindergarten. Our teacher used to read us a book, storytime…and I think even by the age of 5 or 6 I had developed such strong lonely feelings that I was craving physical contact. All of us kids used to sit on the floor while my teacher (Mrs. Rogers) would sit on a chair and read to us. I had begun to sit close to her feet, and eventually sit leaning on her leg, and then eventually I came to hug her leg. I remember the feeling. How nice it felt to hold onto someone. But she pushed me away the day I began to hug her leg. Her look was one of annoyance and even disgust… I felt so incredibly abnormal. I knew I was an exception in the world. I knew I had to hide my need for attention and affection.
The tapping exercise on the podcast today helped a woman to assure her little self that she still loved her, that she was still loved, even though she was rude.
For me, it is time to tell my little Shantelle that she is still loved even though she craved attention and love and physical contact. I still love her even though she is lonely. Even though she desperately needs love. Even though she felt not only rejected but entirely humiliated and worthless for having feelings of love. For needing someone to return those feelings.