If you have read through my blog at all, you may have come across entries about the fact that I have a really difficult time in the mornings. If I am tired or worried at all, I wake up with a dread or fear of something that I can’t even put my finger on.
I have been working on that a lot lately…Just trying to pay attention to that sensation (a la Presence Process, a la Tara Brach’s r.a.i.n, etc)… My gosh it is so excruciating to pay undivided attention to feeling sensations in the body.
But this morning I had a(nother) breakthrough!
I know that I am kind of trying to defy life by making it wait in the morning. I don’t want to get out of bed because ‘something’ hasn’t happened. ‘Someone’ hasnt shown up. I can’t be assured of ‘something’. I began to realize this waiting tendency…and have thought to myself, is it because G (my ex) has not changed his ways, has not ‘realized’ something and decided to the make the change for himself and for us?
And then this morning…I noticed an inaccuracy in that. I am not simply waiting for him to look at himself and make the change. I am waiting for him to finally tell me and act like I am everything to him that I said. And THEN I realized (!!!) that THAT is what I have been waiting to receive from my mother… I have been piecing this together…For her to make a decision – a decision that she did not whole-heartedly make when she decided not to give me away for adoption as a baby – the decision that I, exactly as I am, when I arrived, in all of my humanly needy glory, am someone she wants to commit to caring about.
I have been waiting for someone to truly CARE about me!!
I have been waiting my whole life…to escape my mother’s expectations of me being ‘everything she bargained for’ when she decided to keep me instead of give me away when I was born. It was like she made a contract with the powers that be…”if this little girl does ______ for me, makes me look good, reflects well on me, it will all have been worth it.”
I have been waiting my whole life for someone to accept me as whatever I am going to be, however I am going to act, whatever I may ask for… And the reason why I have such incredibly difficult times in the morning is that I have reached the end of my rope. I have worked my self into the ground trying to fit my round self into the endless number of different un-round holes that people decide I should fit in to prove I love them, or to prove that they love me like they profess to.
Impossible…IMMMMPOOOOSSIBLE. I am done.
My devastation is ok. Because who would not feel devastated at this?
Hard work is ok – it has not been foolish – because I did not know that I was working for nothing.
My naivete is ok…even endearing. Because I trusted. I am trusting. I look for reasons that someone deserves understanding and compassion, patience.
My disorientation and exacerbation is ok, because I am now going to arrive in a land where I have never lived before. I have never lived in a land where I am unconditionally me. Where I create and decide the holes I fit into, if any at all. Where I decide whether someone else’s expectations of me are acceptable to me, are ok for me to be around. I already know if I love someone, if I am loveable, if a person is someone that I could be in a relaxed and loving relationship with, if I respect them, if I am scared, if I am off-put, if I feel insecure. And deep down inside I know what to do when I feel those things. There are always small signs at the beginning.
I have my own roadmap.
In the mornings there is nothing left to wait for. All there is is to carry out plans I have made, or make plans in order to have things to do that are fun, adventurous, productive, prosperous, etc.
I make me, from the inside out. Love it or leave it.
Gratitude for all of the places and times and people with whom I can do that.
Posted on May 2, 2016, in Addiction, Adult Children, Alanon, Balance, codependence, Creativity, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Gratitude, health, Inner child, recovery, Relationship, Self-Care, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.