I have to express what I am really experiencing right now…I have built back up what feels like a scary minefield of a day-to-day life again and I don’t know how I can stop making it feel bigger and scarier and more hopeless! I know that all of the fear and panic I am feeling is not ‘true’ per se… But help…I don’t know how to feel different at this moment 😦
I feel guilty and stupid and irresponsible and even like I am maliciously betraying or something…like I am being dishonest…And I know I shouldn’t believe all of those feelings, but I can’t pinpoint their cause.
These things are issues that are magnifying or exacerbating, or causing these feelings…I think.
I am so far behind where I wanted to be in preparing a syllabus for a course I am teaching in May-June. I know it’s my Outer child having a complete melt-down and rebelling, but I am feeling like I absolutely hate making up this course. Before I was praying for it, because I am so broke I may be heading towards bankruptcy… But in the moments where I am not feeling excited or creative about it it feels like something that someone is forcing me to do. It feels like it is so painful. It is this major two-minded experience that is driving me crazy, exhausting me, scaring me, taking me away from mindful peace and objectivity, and concentration.
And in the past few days I had to tell my landlord that my downstairs neighbor is smoking in their flat (we have a no-smoking clause on our rental agreement). And I am absolutely TERRIFIED of confrontation. I feel powerless, unsafe, indefensible…even though saying something was the totally right thing to to. I wrote a kind and tactful message to the neighbor telling them that cigarette smoke makes me ill, and that our rental agreement says “not smoking in apartment, on patio or elsewhere in or near the house.” and his response was…”I’m sorry…we won’t smoke in the house. But as for the patio, I don’t know what to tell you, we are smokers…” etc., etc. That sentence made me panic…feel unsafe, like I can’t save myself from something no matter what I do. I did not get into any back and forth with them, I simply called the landlord as soon as I read that message. And she was shocked about the smoking, clearly 100% concerned and supportive, and adamant that she had no problem having the difficult conversation with them. And that it was by no means acceptable, period for them to be smoking in or around the house. I sent her the communications I had with the neighbor. And I have been waiting for 3-4 days now for her to call me and tell me how things went, and it was only last night that she texted and said she spoke to them and that she had to figure a few things out and then call me this evening to discuss. My fear of being in or around this situation is so absolutely overwhelming that all I read in her message what that it was unresolved and that there was something “we”, the landlord and I, had to discuss… I wonder what on earth she and I have to ‘discuss’… I hate being around this shit. What is wrong with people… Smoking and being a twit affects other people, ya know! And it is not those other people’s fault for being affected. It’s your fault for doing things that are only good for an addiction, not good for you or for you and anybody else.
And finally, I feel like I am totally neglecting my self on a more personal level. I feel so lonely 3 weeks after having finished an intensive yoga teacher training… I feel a gulf between me and other people. I have given my ex the time of day, as a result. And after spending time with him 2 or 3 times he asked me yesterday if he could use my car for work today…
I almost felt sick. Well, I did feel sick.
Same shit, different year.
And the guilt flows. When I said no (I swiftly thought up and excuse/lie) I could feel his voice change. Like I was ‘taking something away’ from him. I felt so absolutely livid. And I think what I did was, rather than become decisive about the fact that I want space back between he and I, I spent lots and lots of time blaming myself for actually giving him the time of day again.
Just call me the Self-Punisher.
Give me a scenario and I’ll punish myself for it…
Making Lies True…is excruciatingly painful.
True: I feel unsafe when I know I can not stop someone from doing or saying things that I know will harm me somehow.
Lie: I can not protect myself from people.
Question: In these moments of fear and panic and self-punishment, what will empower me…?? Help.
Posted on April 19, 2016, in Addiction, Adult Children, Balance, Coaching, codependence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, health, Inner child, Outer Child, recovery, Relationship, Self-Care, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.