The Affect Key

What affects you?

Is there one thing? Or more than one thing that you feel is really affecting you in an intense, distracting, disruptive, uncomfortably emotional way? And has been for a while? 

Are you dying for this to stop? 

Ok. Let’s make this easier. 

Whatever it is that is affecting you…let’s clarify it.

When you vent or share or complain about things that bother you, irritate you, piss you off, scare you, or cause you some form of pain, have you narrowed it down to the bottom line truth? The central issue(s)?

Do that. That inivolces shifting your focus about this irritating or painful thing from ‘what does someone else need to do about this?” to “I am feeling _______ about this, so I need a change.”

And then ask yourself what your feelings tell you ‘should’ happen next. 

Should some one hear you?

Should they ‘understand’. 

Should someone respond with words that back you up emotionally, so that you feel more justified in feeling bad?

Has that worked?


Try this:

Guess what? You are not happy or comfortable in a situation, so describe it and clarify it, and then…

Hear yourself.

It is not wrong or stupid or unimportant, what you are feeling, and what you are saying. 

And, it is not necessarily possible to make a circumstance or especially a past event different than it is. So, what choice is left?

If you’re driving along and a tractor trailer coming the other direction pulls head on into your lane, what do you do?

There is a combination of skill, awareness and common sense at play. And bottom line self concern. The first thing you worry about is not how to make the truck change its path, but to process things in milliseconds and change yours.

It’s the same with relationships. 

An interpersonal situation may seem like it needs much longer periods of contemplation than the scenario above. But it doesn’t. No words necessary, no conversation, just a quick, wise move that will remove yourself from harm’s or hurt’s way.



About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on April 18, 2016, in Addiction, Adult Children, Balance, Coaching, codependence, Creativity, emotional sobriety, Gratitude, health, Inner child, Outer Child, Parenting, recovery, Relationship, Self-Care, withdrawal. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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