I Feel Dreadful
All I feel right now is the desire to get out of me. I feel amazingly upset. Amazingly tired. Amazingly angry. Amazingly fed up. No matter how untrue the reasons for this, I need to express myself.
I have a meeting with my sponsor in 20 minutes or so and a half hour after that I have a meeting with my counselor. And I think I feel more like I need to be accountable to them than that I need to myself. I feel like I am supposed to feel better. That I am supposed to be doing better. I am angry at them and i don’t know why.
I am angry at myself. Trying to control my own feelings. Trying to control something that I don’t even often know. And I feel exasperated.
I think I am pouting and complaining…”Why does everything have to be so hard?”
I don’t let myself feel how sad and lonely I am about being alone. About feeling like I wasted 10 years of my life because I had no idea what was good for me. About feeling like I wasted almost 6 years of my life with someone who I did not know does not have the capacity to feel anything for more than about .05 seconds except if he is drunk. I don’t let myself feel how sad and lonely I am about feeling like an incompetent 7-year old in a 43 year-old’s body. I deny the real feelings. I police my upper limit like a sniper. I think of every possible reason why I can not get a job, a good job right now. I think of every possible reason why all of my friends are only here temporarily, that they will get past needing me.
[my mother instantaneously didn’t need me when she found a man – I turned into an inconvenient kid. The transformation was absolutely attrocious].
I want everything to go to shit so I can be right that other people are unfeeling, uncaring creeps.
Posted on February 22, 2016, in 12-step, AA, Addiction, Adult Children, Alanon, Balance, codependence, Domestic Violence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Outer Child, recovery, Relationship, Self-Care, Uncategorized, withdrawal. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.