I’m Trying So Hard, But…
So, while I am trying to sort myself out this morning and figure out how to prioritize the things I want to do today and for the next few days, these thoughts rambled out of me:
“If I were to have an amazing job, an amazing home, an amazing sense of security, money and positive stuff flowing freely in my direction…I would be so ashamed. Ashamed that it was not somebody else. Ashamed because my mother reminded me how difficult it was to have kids, how much she missed out on, how much of a trap… a dead weight I was. Why should I be the one to get all of the good stuff? I would feel like I stole her life to make myself rich, happy, successful… My propensity (not voluntary) is to think of all of the reasons why I would have become successful. And the major ones are the pain I caused my parents. I was unexpected, extra baggage, time-consuming, silly, useless, not even representative of them. All I might accomplish gets sucked up, or should be sucked up by that void that I did not fill for them.”
These are the thoughts that make trying hard for myself feel futile.
What are the turnarounds…?!?
Well, I am asking for my habit of being dishonest about what I understand, what I know, what I discover, what I am capable of to be removed.
This tendency is woven together with this fear of shame, or of shaming others as I better myself and heal my life.
When I ask for a shortcoming to be removed I also say a positive affirmation type thing in order to give myself something to do differently:
“I am open about my growth. I am open about my feelings. I am proud of my talents, tenaciousness, adventurousness and I feel forgiveness for having lied to myself about those wonderful things about me having negative effects on other people. My goodness does not imperil others. My goodness shines bright light.”
Posted on February 19, 2016, in Addiction, Adult Children, Alanon, Balance, Coaching, codependence, Domestic Violence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Gratitude, health, Inner child, Money, Outer Child, Parenting, physical abuse, recovery, Relationship, Self-Care, Uncategorized, withdrawal. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.