If It Weren’t For ___ I Could Be Doing What I Really Want To Do.


What is stopping me from living in my genius? What is stopping me from focusing my mind and my actions on what most enlivens me? These are some of the tired, and very old, arguments or justifications I have for staying on the hamster wheel, for living my Groundhog day over and over and over again.

If it weren’t for how broke I am I could be joining a gym, or dance classes, or taking a Yoga instructors’ course, or socializing more.

If it weren’t for a scary supervisor I could be finishing my thesis.

If it weren’t for how tired I feel, I could be getting up before 7am every day.

If it weren’t for how discouraged I am, I could be getting up and HAPPILY doing my beloved wake-up things in the morning and then feeling motivated to do work-like things after that.

If it weren’t for my lack of control over my tendencies to avoid, hide, and procrastinate I could be well into writing a couple of papers or articles, I could have a much better looking website, I would feel much more proud of myself.

If it weren’t for how close-minded and competitive academia is, I would enjoy the experience much more.

If it weren’t for my scary childhood and how I learned to shy away from people and recognition I would be able to jump right into professional and social situations with ease and happiness.

If it weren’t for my long list of ‘to-do’s’ and my lack of organization i would have a lot less to do right now.

If I didn’t have so much to do I could take a real rest and not feel so guilty. I could relax my mind and not get to panicked about how long it has taken me to accomplish some things, about how I may be missing deadlines, about how much more I will have on my list once I finish resting.

None of these problems were actually caused by outside things… I am not upset for the reason I think I am. All of these complaints are symptoms of not taking the big leap

Fears:

“If I took the big leap into my zone a genius I might fail.”

What if I opened up to my true genius and found out it wasn’t good enough…?!

I feel Longing.

If outside influences like money, or coworkers, or past relationships were not a problem what would I really LOVE to be doing?

– go have fun; walk for hours, bike for hours, socialize without feeling like I was on a timeline

– write something inspirational

– write something that changed something for people

– write something that people would write about, talk about.

– do a job in which I could move and travel and use all of my talents and use my curiosity and powerful yearn to learn.

– have an impact on the world in a big way.

Longing turns into despair if I don’t do something.

The strongest reason that I am not jumping into my zone of genius… *I always think that I should be doing something else. (for someone else, something that someone else needs me to do, thinks I should be doing, something that someone else will pay me for…).

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About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on February 6, 2016, in Addiction, Adult Children, Balance, codependence, Creativity, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, health, Inner child, recovery, Relationship, Self-Care, Uncategorized, withdrawal. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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