Deserving


One of the things I am interested in doing today is asking for my self-pity to be lifted. I am still not ‘religious’. I do believe, however that as human beings we have very powerful powers of perception…AND very powerful powers of perceiving things differently than they truly may be.

Self-pity…I had to look it up:

“Pity for oneself; especially exaggerated or self-indulgent pity where you believe that you are the victim who has done no wrong and is deserving of condolence from everyone.” (Urban Dictionary)

Yes, do I ever(!) There is a part of me (a much smaller part than it used to be) that believes that life is happening to me. That other people’s actions are happening to me. And that my actions are solely actions of survival and that I do not deserve to be subjected to others’ imperfections and the ways they make me feel. Woh. Now that is almost too much…

Inside, almost without me being conscious of it I think things like: “If Greg had been more honest with me I would not have turned distrustful, I would not have taken my attention off my school work, I would not have put energy into making him feel comfortable or accommodated rather than keeping my work time safe, keeping my sleep time sacred, feeling happy with how fine I am regardless of anyone else. If “people” understood the situation I was in, the choices I had to make, how strongly I felt about him they would give me a break, let me work on my thesis longer, give me more help, not leave me to do everything all my myself…” etc. etc… Unbelievable that things we (I) can experience so deeply and feel so strongly about are not ‘true’ or helpful, or right for us (me).

I would like that perspective on my life to change. That perspective on others. That perspective on what I have experienced and have to look forward to in my life. I am absolutely at the end of my desire to be my own personal martyr in my own personal ‘play’ of life…

I would like to feel differently.

They say (see book ‘Drop The Rock’ for example) that when we are asking for our shortcomings to be removed we must definitely be working on the opposites. What is the opposite of self-pity? Humility? The feeling that we are not entitled to ‘compensation’ for things that have ‘happened to’ us? Acceptance? Self-reliance? Self regard? Personal responsibility?

And how do I practice any of those?

Take myself through the moment. And be open to seeing how I come to that challenging moment. That challenging decision. Where did I exercise my free will? What can I say that I learned from my exercise of my free will, alone? What do I know about how such a situation can play itself out differently?

Please take self-pity away. I want to practice something else.

I will change my experience.

i deserve close attention so that I do not repeat the same mistakes, not attention that compensates me or gives consolation prizes for surviving a situation that I, as much as others, brought myself into.

 

 

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About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on January 18, 2016, in 12-step, AA, Addiction, Adult Children, Alanon, Balance, codependence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, health, Inner child, recovery, Relationship, Self-Care, Uncategorized, withdrawal. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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