How Do I Know?


How do I know when I am going to think about resorting to calling G? I just felt it happen again. Christmas Day I resorted it to it when I felt helpless. Lonely. Alone. Down. I noticed his text message and didn’t want to respond and then a few hours later I noticed that there was a missed call from him. I was feeling so helpless and frustrated and angry about another situation that it felt like an ‘easy’ thing to do – call him back.

What did I find out? That he was wasted, at 11:30am – which I was afraid of. I found out the same exact thing as usual. He said over and over again how much he missed me but he is still stuck to the shit in his life like shit glue. Arguing that I need to accept him as he is.

I can never think clearly when I am talking to him. I am still too hopeful, hence my choice to maintain distance. He’s like a little kid, ‘taking his toys and playing somewhere else’ – sulking, pouting, feeling sorry for himself, trying to make me feel like I am being cruel… And I am trying not to do the same.

The thing I am trying to do is to actually do something while I am keeping my distance instead of continuing to ‘wait’. That is the difference between being a pouty kid and being an adult in separation.

I am trying.

If I do things, work to get somewhere, then I won’t be restless, and then begin to think about things that are not my things to think about, then I will not feel helpless, and then I will not feel compelled to reach out to someone who has not immediate intention of helping himself.

I know.

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About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on December 27, 2015, in AA, Addiction, Adult Children, Alanon, codependence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Inner child, Outer Child, recovery, Relationship, Uncategorized, withdrawal. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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