I Feel Very Unfeeling
I don’t know exactly why. Maybe because I continue to put a lot of energy into hiding my feelings. I was on a coaching call today with a number of people and as usual I had not submitted a formal request for help the couple of days beforehand. And during the call I did not ask to say something. I did speak up and say ‘hi’ at the beginning though. Which is more than I have done in the past usually.
I few other people spoke during the meeting and I think I felt increasingly bad as I listened to people speak up. I think it was also arrogance.
I am in the Step 7 phase of ‘Recovery’. Step 6 and step 7 have been the most challenging I perhaps have ever done in the way of personal exploration and emotional work… Learning the difference between self-reliance (isolation) and reliance on the source, or God, or whatever you would like to refer to ‘it’ as.
I am writing up notes tonight, notes I have made to myself at different moments so that I would not forget the small revelations I was having in the moment. I think they reveal both feeling and arrogance… It’s probably a good idea to share them.
I have been (and often continue to be) very obsessive in my life and relationships.
- I used to obsess over the things that G would do that would demonstrate how disloyal he was to me; like showing other people things I wrote to him; letting his kids think or feel something based on stories or events that were not true.
- I feel like I am a fraud with some people.
- I did and often still fear that
- I was not nice (enough) to G
- that my letters and other things I did were crazy
- that I come across as mean and unloving
- I have had to spell things out for myself, like;
- If he doesn’t call it means it is not important to him to talk to me.
- I would obsess over his lack of communication thinking things like;
- he is lying to me
- he is off somewhere bad
- he is drinking somewhere
- I would get caught up in controlling where he was
- in controlling how he felt about doing what he was doing
- I was addicting to policing him.
- I had myself trapped in past trauma;
- I felt panic or oppressed when G said ‘don’t do the dishes’, you’re making me feel___! I would do them later — scared of something, of the consequences of doing what I felt like. I didn’t ever think outside of the box – what would happen if I did the dishes? He will ream at me? I will die from the pain of him being angry at me? It hurts to do things without help? It hurts to have my efforts disapproved of by someone I care about?
- Where did my own routine go? Did I ever have one? Have I ever lived based on what I felt was right for me and not in reaction to someone else’s potential discomfort?
- How do I just ‘do me’?
- I am angry, I am scared.
The truth is also that…
- I have been VERY nice in my past relationship.
- More than that, I have been splendid, loyal, attentive, caring, forgiving, patient, funny, strong…
- I am tired becasue I have been nice too much for too long. Because I have given everything away.
- Just because he should be nice to me doesn’t mean he will or has to…
- I love him even when i do things that are only good for me. I still care.
I am rife with issues, obviously.
I am not the biggest thing in his life. He is trying to survive his own issues. Like I am.
How do I come to care about my own feelings. Or show I care, to myself, so that I don’t need his attention…the kind of attention, patience, consideration I gave him…?
Not occupying myself with him leaves me feeling ‘too’ free.
Maybe that feels bad because I was left to my own devices when I was young and was aware of how alone I was —
Now I know I need my own structure/home, home base, in my mind, heart, and body.
I am allowed to take time to be sad.
I can restrict people’s access to me (I put G and my mom on ‘restricted’ status on FB.
The things I know…
- G does not express regret for having hurt my feelings.
- I have feelings but he acts like I don’t.
- When I am going around him I am letting him believe something that is not true. When I am doing what he wants in order to fulfill his expectation or what shows that I love him, I am lying. But what am I lying about? If only I knew that.
What am I acting like that I don’t really want to act like?
- I am acting like i want to wait.
- I am acting like I will setting for just some time.
I have to want to celebrate myself. I have to know How to celebrate myself. I have to take the initiative and celebrate myself. Actually do it myself!!
I act like he cares about my feelings when he doesn’t show it. and when I have a hard time believing it. So, what do I do to override that need??
— So, that is a lot of jotting I have done… Probably as mind-boggling to wade through as it is to bring up inside and write down. Tiring.
Life is simpler, right?
But I know I am a feeling person…even if I try to drown it out with ‘thoughts’… Silly monkeys.
Posted on December 10, 2015, in Addiction, Adult Children, Alanon, codependence, Domestic Violence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Inner child, Outer Child, Parenting, recovery, Relationship, Uncategorized, withdrawal. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.