Exploration of a Negative Thought
Last night I was sitting in my kitchen with a friend eating dinner and the phone rang. It was my ex calling. I ignored the call. And had no intention of replying. That doesn’t mean I didn’t feel “slippy” though.
The recovering, and the codependent sides of me are still battling each other.
Soon after my friend left I began to experience the typical gut pains that I have in the last year or two whenever I’m in contact with my ex – I’m still putting myself through the wringer for something…
After a while I picked up the phone and called him back . Maybe believing that if there is something good on the other end it would make the gut pains go away.
Why do we (victims of abuse)do that!? Why is a thought (a hope) more powerful than the painful reality of the neglectful and abusive relationship? What other thoughts were ruling my actions?
This morning I watched a short YouTube video: “Negative thoughts are good!” I thought, I must be thinking something negative about myself in order to return his call. And how can I look at my negative thoughts for their usefulness?
I think the ugliest feelings I have in those moments are that, I am expecting too much of him, and I should put up with something shitty if I really care about him. I often confuse myself when I’m trying to work through this stuff, because I don’t distinguish between thoughts about someone else, and thoughts about myself, or I don’t know which one I’m believing in the moment.
In the video I watched, the vlogger said that, negative thoughts “are reflection of any emotion that desperately needs to surface.”
“I am expecting too much” is, in fact, a negative thought about myself. I am, in fact, very angry and resentful at my ex for ‘criticizing’ me for expecting caring that need from a partner. And I think I am very angry and resentful at myself for giving in over and over again when somebody else says I’m wrong for expecting consistent care, sensibility, and consideration in a relationship.
The other negative thought that comes up is, “why do you keep calling me?!” Exasperation. Wanting to lecture him. Thinking, “he is a manipulative, controlling, opportunistic, insensitive, selfish addict.”
The vlogger on the video said that we must give attention to our negative thoughts for the emotions that are trying to get through, those parts of us that are suppressed, or stuck within us.
I think emotionally, I am fed up. I am fed up with everyone who has told me that I can’t expect to get what I need in a relationship. I am fed up with myself for doubting the needs that I have. I am fed up. I resent someone who says they love me but don’t respond to me out of self absorption or selfishness. And I resent myself for yielding to others’ contentions that I should accept that they want to be less than what I desire, for acting like my needs can be negotiated down like the price of a used car or a trinket at a flea market…
The negative thoughts lead me to, “I am fed up.” And “I am fed up” is the brilliant, uncomplicated, non-negotiable truth.
What is a normal human response to being fed up?!?
Posted on October 7, 2015, in AA, Addiction, Adult Children, Alanon, codependence, Domestic Violence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, physical abuse, recovery, Relationship, Uncategorized, withdrawal. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.