When I Am Around People I am Afraid I Can’t Please
I feel like I want to disappear.
I feel like I want to put I myself through something uncomfortable…like to show them that, “ok, you succeeded. I feel super inadequate and useless, and uncomfortable with myself. I get it.”
It’s a jarring feeling.
I wonder if most feelings are jarring for me…
I disappear. And I try to make myself disappear.
My chest feels like someone has pressed on it, compressed it. Punched it. Shocked me out of breathing.
The noise jars me. It is amplified. Every noise he makes. The loudness of the noise between objects. I know how hard he is moving.
This house is hollow-sounding… Everything noise I make is amplified, and like an announcement that I am doing something. The house reports back to him with its ability to carry sound. I am so physically drained. Trying to be quiet. Trying to find softness, absorption, a quiet place to cuddle with myself. There are none.
I find quiet for an undisclosed amount of time in front of the big windows, while he sleeps.
I feel his…vibe. Like a huge rock rattling against me.
After these couple of days here, my body is shutting down. Sinus pain, throat inflamed and I can’t swallow, head feeling large and heavy, aching.
I can’t not believe that I am a prisoner here.
Posted on September 29, 2015, in 12-step, Addiction, Adult Children, Alanon, codependence, Domestic Violence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Inner child, physical abuse, recovery, Relationship, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.