Feeling — Not thinking, or expressing, Just Feeling
Today is the last day of my second week of doing the The Presence Process. The experience I am having with two 15-minute meditations a day is…not like anything I have experienced. It is viscerally uncomfortable, viscerally owerwhelming. And yet I am feeling, like in this moment for example, the certain potential for a complete ownership of my own emotional life and relationships.
The most difficult thing about the meditations is that, as M.Brown (the author) describes, I come face to face with my own vibrational frequency…My own true emotional experience of the world. As I uncovered a few weeks ago, I have lived with the fear of severe punishment and neglect from the time I was an infant, if not before that. And the sensation that I have as I reach about 1 minute into a 15 minute meditation is a panic state. My solar plexus contracts and hardens, my heart rate increases, my breath becomes shallow and quick…and my mind races to try to get away from that consciousness. It is a difficult period of time to sit through, to say the least, and understandably. 15 minutes feels like years. The gut pain or tension in my neck and head feel like they will persist, forever…Sitting through such a thing is counter-intuitive at the best of times, but really so when one is unconsciously used to anticipating punishment or abandonment…
I have no idea how to explain what happens once I get to the end of the meditation…My heart skips a beat when the end chime sounds, but after that…it’s like I can’t explain it in english. That vibrational signature of fear and worthlessness…I have come face to face with it, and it is not pretty. But each time, I recognize it, acknowledge it just a little bit more, allow myself to face the fact that I am that. And it takes a more realistic place in my being. It is not everything I am. It is a necessary chunk of me that has simmered for my entire life, and has not had the ability to integrate. I am learning that it is something I can not live without caring about. Staying with it turns the experience of it into something not burdensome. Staying with it turns it into the answer. To everything.
I feel not free yet, but I feel how I will be free. I feel that I will have an understanding of what I bring to life, as opposed to the understanding that I have carried around that I am marginal to or dispensable to this life…
I believe it,
The only way out is Through.
Posted on August 30, 2015, in Addiction, Adult Children, Alanon, codependence, Domestic Violence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Inner child, Meditation, recovery, Relationship, withdrawal and tagged Presence Process. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.