This was one of the most intense meditation experiences i have had. It is a breakthrough in terms of staying with difficult sensations in the body.
The last couple of days I decided to go walk in the park in the morning and then do my meditation there. Today it was a beautiful morning, I took a path that was quieter and new. And I found a spot by the river to sit down and meditate.
The meditation started off as calm as usual, but it wasn’t long before I noticed my thoughts trying to distract me from the sensations in my body. As I have done for the past few days, I acknowledged the thoughts without really thinking about them, just saying “thinking”. And then bringing my attention back to my breath, and saying “breathing”.
It wasn’t long before the body started to send me messages. I felt discomfort in my gut, Low Low down in my stomach. And I tried to breathe and stay with it. I felt the discomfort even making its way up to my neck and my head. By the time the meditation time ended, the discomfort hadn’t lessened, it had actually stayed the same or even Increased a bit.
As the moments passed after the meditation and I got up to walk out of the park, the discomfort turned into pain, so much so that twice before I got out of the park I had to sit down or lie down. When I did that I tried to breathe more into the feeling. And allow the feeling to be, allow it to take me over. I tried. As the pain got more intense I even tried to make noise, like breathing out loudly and then allowing myself to even voice noises, like small growls or quiet groans. (luckily I was in a park by a river, so anyone who might of been passing by couldn’t really hear me!)
Every response I had eventually helped. Once I got up from laying down on a park bench, I noticed I felt quite drained, and even a little bit lightheaded. Usually I would be reacting to myself in a disapproving way. But having done the presence process reading, part of me knew that the physical sensations did not mean anything about how well or badly I did the meditation, or how good or bad person I was, or whether I was failing. I responded to the feelings as though they should be there.
Back to my car…I was really tired. From the meditation to the walk back to the car was only about 10 to 15 minutes. A lot had happened. I reclined my seat and laid-back and allowed myself to rest for little bit longer.
The sensation had run its course to a large degree. The pain subsided, and I could physically feel it moving in my body, kind of migrating and transforming.
By the time I pulled away from the park entrance, I knew I had just gotten through something big. I know I need time to process that. And to look upon myself with love and appreciation, for sticking with that process.
Doing the process, sticking with those feelings was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. And ironically, it made me reflect back to childhood when the feelings came out a lot easier. As I thought about that time I missed it. I miss a good heaving cry. And am still waiting for it.
I can more and more appreciate that, the only way out is through. Because I feel raw, and I know something has changed…
Posted on August 27, 2015, in 12-step, Addiction, Adult Children, Alanon, codependence, Domestic Violence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Inner child, Meditation, recovery, Relationship, Uncategorized, withdrawal. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.