The Presence Process – 2nd week
I’m in the middle of my second week with Michael Brown’s book. There is a lot going on. Even in the smallest things inside my body, mind, and emotions. The most noticeable this week is that I feel short of breath in each meditation session. I can only breathe short and shallow. It happened again tonight. It’s been disconcerting because I have the expectation that during meditation I would naturally breathe deeper and with more relaxation.
Tonight I realized though, that it is a “reflection” of mine or maybe many, that are the cause of that. I am relieved that that occured to me. It makes sense. It was only today, 3-4 days into the week, that I realized that this week has felt much more difficult than the first week. Probably because I was putting the pressure on myself not only to “recognize my reflections” but also to identify exactly what they are the reflections of, and get to the bottom of them, every time I noticed them. Woh, I like to pile the work on myself, eh!!
Sitting, alone, in my living room, with my eyes closed…I realize…feels very vulnerable to me. When I was young, or even just still living at home, I wasn’t allowed to do ‘nothing’. And when I was punished it was usually a surprise, unexpected, when I was alone and minding my own business. Meditating kind of brings me back to that feeling of being left open to someone else’s whim. I’m just available, like anything could happen…that I don’t have any control over… I’m afraid to sit ‘available’…
well, today I allowed myself to get a little lazy, out if sheer fatigue, and just ‘notice’ the reflections and not go into any searching or analysis before I continued on with what I was doing. That left me feeling a little more comfortable and free. I remembered that most of our reflections can not be attached consciously to a memory or event that initially affected us because we can not remember them all. So I simply said “reflection” each time I noticed a sensation of discomfort in reaction to something, and then moved on. And it was good because then more and more started to appear openly to me and I simply acknowledged them and moved on. I felt a little lighter very soon after this little upswing… It’s nice because I know that if it feels too much I can hold off on really letting ALL of the feelings about a particular reflection in until I’m able.
It is generally an extremely tiring time. But I do feel things, and myself…unfolding.
“The only way out is through…”
Posted on August 27, 2015, in Addiction, Adult Children, codependence, Domestic Violence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Inner child, Meditation, recovery, Relationship, Uncategorized, withdrawal. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.