Ugh, Self Work is Hard Work…!!
Feelings are not something that are controllable. I may have a reaction to the negative ones that silences or contains them for the moment most days, but they have a mind of their own and make their way back the surface of my conscious experience over and over.
This morning I felt dread, and it has remained with me into this afternoon.
I began The Presence Process a week ago.
I am meditating for 15 mins twice a day, and in the process learning out to attend to and integrate my feelings, even the ones that should be long forgotten, the ones that have been lingering for decades.
When I did my meditation this morning, I noticed that the dread, or whatever feeling that is (it is difficult to describe – it simply feels like a large concrete block on my torso right now). It is such a heavy feeling that I did not feel much else. Only a dark, kind of eery din, like one would hear if there was some kind of standoff between two deathly enemies, two gunslingers…and the whole town could do nothing but stand there, paralyzed, deathly quiet, lest they trigger a premature reaction. I sat in great discomfort, in uncomfortable anticipation wanting to make something happen but somehow finding the willpower to follow Michael Brown’s instructions and ‘do nothing’. Thoughts came and went about unrelated things, thoughts that sought to distract me from the discomfort, the darkness, the possible catastrophe… But I returned to my breathing each time, shallow, high-paced breathing…
And just after the chime sounded, just before I got up from the meditation, something occurred to me. I identify the feeling negatively, as ‘in the way’, as hurtful, ominous, as casting a shadow, crippling… All unfavorable descriptors.
But our feelings are useful messages, meant to help us find our way back to equilibrium. And meditation is about giving open-minded attention to what comes up. To accepting and allowing the feelings to be processed, with the understanding that they are valid, and necessary. The Presence Process is about learning to improve one’s experience of emotional trials and tribulations. Of any trials and tribulations. Even the experience of negative feelings. To see the value in those messages.
I realized, I have been trying to avoid giving an accepting recognition to that dread. That fear. That exasperation. I forget that because it takes up emotional space in me, it deserves my recognition, my undivided attention.
So, I affirm.
I feel dread. I feel hopelessness. I feel very, very low. Yes, feelings, you are correct. You actually are. You truly are as you appear.
And I can not deny you no matter how hard I try.
And I will find out what you are telling me if just be with you.
This means another change as well.
You, my inner emotional Sentinel. You have been a trooper. I can not knock you for having so often diverted the scary emotions for me, for having tried to save me from the worst experiences of people, events, the shock of my own feelings. There is nothing more capable than you of trying to save me from scary feelings. Telling them they can’t come in. Telling them they have the wrong address, the wrong door, the wrong girl, and keep them, more and more of them every day, at bay as they keep coming back, knocking, banging, screaming to come in. How absolutely exhausting a job you have had. Thank you.
The news is, I think I can ask you to start to let them in.
I know you are there for me. But I am willing to start to grow up. I am discovering my relationship to the world. The forces that be might be a little more sympathetic than I thought.
I think am willing to learn vulnerability. And I am willing to learn to respond for myself.
I would not be here without you.
But please see me on. On to the next way.
Living WITH myself and those feelings.
Living freely with feelings.
Posted on August 24, 2015, in 12-step, Addiction, Adult Children, codependence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Inner child, Meditation, recovery, Relationship, withdrawal. Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.