How do we be both mindful and heartful when we are ashamed of what we feel inside.
“If i start loving myself unconditionally, I’ll get worse…”
I don’t know…
I feel 1) weak for feeling I need someone to comfort me, someone who does not have the ability to be there for me. 2) disgusted with myself for getting upset with someone for the 4000’th time for being the same uncaring person.
I accept the fear in myself. I accept the how weak my body feels. I accept the cries inside of a little girl. I accept how loud and unrelenting the crying is. I accept that I feel the pain for something that is long, long past. I accept my suspicion.
I accept the relentlessness of my anger. I accept the rage. I accept the blindness and self-absorbedness. I accept the humanness of my pattern. I accept the self-harming. I accept the craziness. I accept my delirium in the face of loss, over and over, loss again. I accept that I can not yet stop walking down that path. I accept that I have expectations that are unrealistic, unfair. I accept myself and my manipulation and passiveness. I accept that fragility. I accept that I do not live with a backbone oftentimes.
I accept that I am afraid to appear afraid.
Posted on August 15, 2015, in 12-step, Addiction, Adult Children, Alanon, codependence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Inner child, Meditation, recovery, Relationship, withdrawal. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.