How To Not Freeze With Triggered Emotions… Allow The Reality of the Experience, Even If It Is A Very Old Echo of Something That Is Long Gone.
I don’t have a hang of this yet. But I think I have a way of working on it. I tried to re-integrate emotionally this morning. Yesterday I read an email from my supervisor and felt the sensation… It is so automatic, such an integrated reaction that I can barely consciously describe it. It is almost like I turn to stone. Turn to stone so that her words and tone can not penetrate. So, that I do not get entirely ‘infected’ by her dark, destructive forces and suffer painfully, rottenly. The feeling…is like what it must feel like to be touched by Rogue in the X-Men movies. like the oxygen and life being sucked out of you.
I listened to this this morning, and tried to do the exercise as she did. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c3V_Gtfr_YA
I can barely describe the feeling, but what came up while I was trying to work with the feeling was how I had been punished severely as a kid, irrationally, and that I felt completely, entirely imprisoned by someone else’s gunk. But the gunk is as heavy and immovable at black rock. I feel that trapped by someone else’s disapproval even now… Paralyzed, incapacitated, penetrated, rotted…like I turn into coal, so hard I can’t crack, but that is how I will fall apart. I can only crack. No one can soften me up and bring me back to life.
As I did the exercise in the video above (How to Heal the Emotional Body), I was actually able to ask my inner child what she wanted — (although there seemed no need for words) — and what I felt was picking her up into my arms…I/she was maybe 5 years old, and I held her, and allowed her to clamp onto me, her arms around my shoulders and neck, her legs around my waist. She barely weighs anything, and she just wants that contact, she just wants me to feel her fear. She just wants me to feel her hold on to me, she wants me to just be there for her to hold onto, she wants me to absorb that fear by doing nothing more than showing her that she has a reason to be terrified in that moment, that she has a reason to need to be held, that she has a right to be comforted. I hold her in my mind, I allow her to clamp onto me for dear life as though time is no object, as though her burden is a blessing to me, although comforting her, being a comfort to her is all-beneficial, all an advantage, all-content… It is a ‘whole’ experience.
Just having been scared, vulnerable, compromised is not the whole experience… It is incomplete. It is only complete when it is validated, felt, accepted, responded to, recognized, cherished…
Posted on August 4, 2015, in 12-step, Addiction, Adult Children, Alanon, codependence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Inner child, physical abuse, recovery, Relationship, withdrawal and tagged Alanon, codependence, emotional abuse, emotional health, fear of abandonment, health, mental exercise, mental-health, Praise, Relationship. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.