Withdrawal From Qualifier

I just have to see if I can describe the thoughts and feelings right now. Even though I have spent LONG periods of time away from my qualifier (alcoholic partner), I experience a lot of traumatic thoughts feelings and sensations that have the effect of making me want to send a message or call him.

Today I feel the sadness, feelings of rejection, feelings of inadequacy, he makes me feel like i have abandoned him, like I am not understanding enough, or patient enough. Like I haven’t ACCEPTED him for who he is.(!!) I feel like I have not passed his tests and that I am supposed to keep on trying. I have a kind of a gross toxic feeling inside, like I drank some kind of chemical that is giving me an upset stomach and a headache. On the worst days my gut feels like it is rotting and there is something poking me or trying to rip me open. I feel like I should be punished for not making things ok. For not pretending things are ok. For not being whatever it is he wants me to be.

The feeling is so strong… I know that none of these thoughts are really true. But I am amazed at how powerful they are. They scare me into hiding from the world, and from myself. They shape my being from hour to hour and day to day. How they blind me from the freedom that I really have to experience free emotion, free thought, free action…

My truth is that I am supposed to do anything that allows me to live more fully, allows me to act and feel and do everything that I can so I can contribute to the world. I think if I give myself more options in that area, I won’t feel as trapped by the scary, guilty, shame thoughts and feelings…


About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on July 20, 2015, in Addiction, Adult Children, Alanon, codependence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Inner child, recovery, Relationship, withdrawal. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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