The Reason for My Anger


i am a quiet person. 

But I experience a lot of anger inside. I experience anger because I feel people punished me for things that were not my fault my entire life.

Yes, I certainly misbehaved at moments, as a child. And I have as an adult too. But my bottom line guilt is a result of: 

– feeling unwanted by my mother

– feeling that if I did not do or act the way my mother wanted me to that I was reinforcing the idea that she was ‘burdened’ with a daughter.

– my father was threatening even when I hadn’t misbehaved

– he punished me for nothing, and he punished me disproportionately severely for things that I did wrong. He turn a long held anger out on me.

This atmosphere has surrounded me until now. I am 42 and have travelled around the world. I’ve had many relationships and learned so many things.

But I have never expressed and processed in a focussed fashion the anger I feel at being punished, and at learning that I need to be afraid to be punished for anything at another person’s whim.

Well, I am irate. I am disgusted. I am repulsed and I find my mother and father’s and others’ behavior revolting and ignorant and abusive and repugnant. Oh, and abhorrent, gross, sickening, excrable. 

I’ve always been afraid to express how angry I feel. Because I thought it would make me ugly. And because I thought that if someone knew I was angry for being punished they would question my anger and not how someone treated me. Like when you go to prison you suffer the stigma whether you are guilty or not. I never thought I could get out from under that…

Now I am ready to learn how. How to climb out from under my own fear. How to live without others’ impressions of my experiences and resulting choices having any power over the trajectory of my life.

So, how to really accept and process my anger? I’ve been checking out some of this person’s talks, Teal Swan, and they have been REALLY helpful. I found this one and am going to see what I can get out of it. I’ll write again after I watch it and do some of my own work with it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ED7s-fbTF_M

If you would like to share on your anger and how you process it so that you don’t feel trapped with it or burdened by it please share. I would love suggestions.

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About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on July 18, 2015, in 12-step, AA, Addiction, Adult Children, Alanon, codependence, Domestic Violence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Inner child, physical abuse, recovery, Relationship, withdrawal. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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