I am a relationship addict. And I’m going through withdrawal from a relationship at the moment. While I am trying to write to graduate thesis. Well, it’s been a while, for both.
It’s not new but pretty much every morning. as soon as my body knows I am waking it lets me know that I am afraid. This morning I identified the feelings with descriptions that usually escape me. I have described the feeling in my chest as like I am wearing a suit of armor that weighs 80 pounds. This morning I listened to Tara Brach talk about the fear body so that I could perhaps stay with the feelings a little bit longer. The feeling in my chest that spreads into my throat in my tummy… It feels like I’ve been run over by a truck. The tire tracks are huge and the feeling of suffocating is still there…
It also sometimes feels like someone has kicked me in the chest, like a Muay Thai kickboxer.
I tried to stay with the feelings. Laying in bed listening to Tara guide her audience through being present. I realize the last couple of times I followed her guidance on the podcast that I have managed to give myself comfort in the moment, despite the pain. What ends up happening is that I stay with the feelings, but I start to notice how comfortable my bed is, how nice the silence is,The kids playing and yelling at the schoolyard out my window. I come to notice that I have moments that I can keep for myself. And that my natural tendency, if I pay attention to the pain, is to seek ‘refuge’ in the comforting things that I already have around and in me.
One of things that Tara said, is that fear is a portal. I’ve experienced that.if I allow it to be, fear is an opportunity for me to pay caring attention to myself. And the gift that I receive is the discovery that my self wants to be and feel everything it is capable of. It wants to return itself to its naturally content state. So in the moments where I give my undivided attention to what is sometimes my unbearable pain, I am making space and time for the other feelings and experiences to make themselves known too. Without a conscious effort my self shows me the things that I have forgotten to feel, out of fear. How fortunate…
I am thankful this morning, for the ongoing Discovery of spiritual freedom.
Posted on July 3, 2015, in 12-step, AA, Addiction, Adult Children, Alanon, codependence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Inner child, Meditation, recovery, Relationship, Uncategorized, withdrawal. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.