Playing It Out
I act according to pretty much the same patterns, fears…now, as a 42 year old woman, as I did as a child, scared and hostage in my own home.
Right now I am at the office, trying to finish writing… and I am afraid to go outside for lunch because someone might see me leave my office. I might run into my supervisor. I will feel anxious and guilty…
It’s crazy to think that the only solution is to stay away from people I am scared of or who intimidate or make me anxious. Because that is anyone who I am accountable to in a more involved way. I don’t know how to maintain an accountability in a relationship without being scared, intimidated, developing a hopelessness or a story of doom, loss, and demise…
Believe it or not, things have been getting better. It’s just that lately I have been coming face-to-face with my own reactions…with more presence of mind. I can see/hear what is going on with me. And I am years into messy situations and messy relationships that I must now fulfill my responsibilities to and/or face head on.
My patterns are shocking though… The fact that they are really carbon copies of what I was doing to stay safe when I was a very, very young child… Everything freaks me out. I am worried about every reaction, everywhere… I don’t know how I have even lived this long with such a sense of constraint… I have an idea of how crazy people become crazy… There is a fine line… For some reason I don’t have the narcissist bits in me… Just a really crazy self-preservation bit.
Posted on June 18, 2015, in 12-step, Addiction, Adult Children, Alanon, codependence, Domestic Violence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Inner child, recovery, Relationship. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.