Being – April 20, 2015

My horoscope today – it’s about how I might be tempted to impress someone right around now… but that I am actually longing for more in life than ‘shaking my tail feathers’ for a connection. My true desires are deeper and I can figure out what will fulfill me for the long haul. I know it’s cliche but ‘how fitting’…

In the last few days I have encountered two people in meetings that I have been around in meetings for at least a couple of years. Both male. Both objects of curiosity (yes, curiosity with some appreciation for their contribution to meetings) for me from the first time I saw them. A couple of days ago, one shared some brief things with me about his story after a meeting. And the other, whom I know from another program and I have not seen in at least a year, was unexpectedly in a meeting today and we were pleasantly surprised to see each other. This latter guy also chatted briefly with me after the meeting about his step journey. Both occasions were humbling because I am flattered that someone trusts me to share their experience, particularly a man in the programs we are in. With both I am afraid of not knowing the difference in myself, between feelings of simple pleasure and ‘plutonic’ caring, and ‘falling’ into unhealthiness. I really appreciated how both of them were interested in talking more, because I crave to hear others’ experiences, and mens’ experiences would be super great to hear, and I certainly would like to have a reciprocal exchange of experience, but in this particular fellowship I can not be perfectly open to any men with my time and space right now. I feel an impatience to chat with them in a way that I think could have some negative implications. But I have walked away from both immediate situations quite gently but quickly, leaving things open for the next time. Really hoping that we can find a time with a number of other members to share on things. Time passing is never a bad thing.

And the other person I have ‘encountered’ (almost) is my (ex). I established my bottom lines about a week ago: “do not initiate contact with G” and “do not initiate contact with my ex-es”. This morning, as is usual most days, I had the volume off on my phone, and when I got up to get ready to go to the noon meeting I checked my phone and there was a missed call from G at 10:25… It caught me off guard. I’m thankful the volume had been off…
I didn’t believe it…I had to look at the screen a couple of different times (I did again just now)… The call could mean a dozen different things. Or one single thing. And I have been distracting myself in these last couple of weeks too much with other important (self) things so I don’t feel immediately compelled to contemplate that for too long. I did feel the urge to cry though. Like a “please stop” cry…

I am at a loss for how to act like a regular human being. How to just ‘be’. Maybe just ‘being’ means feeling all of these things… Dealing with conflict inside, curiosity, loss, doubt, anticipation, disappointment, awkwardness… Until I am more settled.

Thanks to my horoscope haha I have the reminder that making myself into something more than I am, adjusting to respond, to make something more out of something that is just as it is, is not what I can or sincerely want to do right now. I may feel a knee jerk reaction to respond as I have 100’s of times. But I can see myself a little clearer now. At least I can see that I feel and AM more than that. I always have been.


About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on April 22, 2015, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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