Notes to myself all over the place.
I often write down thoughts on little pieces of paper and they end up being scattered all around my place. On the backs of grocery lists, receipts, half-printed sheets of paper… They are usually thoughts about how I’m feeling. But I don’t write how I am feeling. I write the thoughts that are behind those feelings often. I try.
On one piece of paper, I have a heading that’s underlined; “stress”, and then on bullet points below I say,
-Not doing well in dance
– what is G doing today, now?
– I feel empty, braced for something bad, an impact.
– none of my tasks are ever finished, ever. I burden myself by leaving them open.
– I didn’t choose to learn to sail when I was young because 1) I didn’t want to be my mother’s mascot, puppet, or “in” at the yacht club; 2) I was afraid those people wouldn’t like me 3) I was nervous and self sabotaging in performances when I was young, I was terrified to fail and look bad 4) those people were better than me, us, my mother thought, so I felt it was a risk.
Lies: in so many forms
Deception: even me pretending so many things
I cried with hurt feelings I had for the Robert event-from being molested.
On another piece of paper I think I was doing an exercise of writing down my feelings, and when I had those feelings. The notes look like this:
I feel incensed, irate when he tells me I suck. I feel this way because I am so kind to him, and patient.
I felt deathly afraid when my dad tried to smother me with a pillow, because I wasn’t going to be able to stop it
I feel irate what I think about how impetuous my father was when he tried to smother me.
I feel ashamed when I log for G because I have gotten so little respect and consideration in the relationship.
I feel betrayed when people lie to me because I believe that they know what they say or do will hurt my feelings.
I feel grief when I go without seeing G for a really long time.
Attaching specific feelings to events is a good exercise. Other people don’t need to know these things, first and foremost, but I do. I need to know them about myself, and hear them,and pay attention to them.