Secrets, Truth, and Me

“Truth be told, this habit of being secretive had started in my teens when I would try to hide how bad things were at home and would pretend that everything was A-OK. It took me a long time to realise that I’d also subconsciously gotten into the habit of distancing myself from People Who Knew Too Much. I felt ashamed and would project this onto them – this was my lonely habits of thinking and behavior. I had lots of friends and a number of very close friendships and yet, there was only so far that I allowed these people in. The way I felt about me as well as my romantic relationships, was casting me adrift from my relationships. I felt lonely – something that most people would not associate with me – and that only started to recede when I gradually stopped being secretive but also stopped judging me for, well, being human. My relationship with me and others dramatically improved and those fears that had dictated my life were proved wrong. It was unfair for me to base my self-esteem on past mistakes, my background, my exes etc, not least because I didn’t judge my nearest and dearest for the same.”

This section of this entry –

really hits home for me. I have lived this. It is haunting. I do the same to this day. I began to stop doing it a couple of years ago when I started going to Coda meetings, but I have had no idea how deep the patterns are. It is difficult to reflect back on, but a relief as well. I can almost breathe better just thinking about the fact that it is possible to stop acting and feeling as though I have to be ashamed of being human…


About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on February 5, 2015, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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