There are some things I don’t need to know, anymore.

I think the anxiety I am having lately is about this habit I have anticipating. Anticipating need actions of the person who is not here anymore. But my body and my mind are still in the pattern of anticipating.and I think the longer something doesn’t happen, something bad or something I have to survive, the more scared I get. Because I really haven’t lived without anticipating. Life doesn’t make much sense, when things are calm, silent… I really suffered trauma. This relationship has been seriously Traumatic for me.

Now that anticipation, the need to guess what’s going to happen, essentially the need to know what’s going to happen next,has no use now. It’s hard to believe. My body and my synaptic connections don’t believe it yet. And I’m kind of a prisoner in my body, and of my synaptic habits.

I’m really going to have to get up in the morning and try to be aware, aware that I am alone. That there’s nobody here who can hurt my feelings. That my choices don’t have to be made in anticipation of or in reaction to anything. Only to my needs and wants. And my responsibilities.

I wish you the best tomorrow Shantelle. I love you, and I will try to be there, being aware. I will try. I’m sorry I’m not very good yet. But I’ll work on it


About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on February 3, 2015, in 12-step, AA, Addiction, Adult Children, Alanon, codependence, Domestic Violence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Inner child, Meditation, recovery, Relationship, Uncategorized, withdrawal. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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