Good Morning Choice
Today I have choices.
I’m usually scared of my day. Because for most in my life, I’ve had reason to have to anticipate. Anticipate other people’s actions in order to get through my day without too much confrontation. I can feel the squeezing feeling in my head and in my chest when I think about it, when I think about those mornings those days those hours.
Now, again, I’ve been away from my ex for a few weeks. And it’s been a hell of a withdrawal, again. Every time I spend weeks away from him, or months, I always experience a very slow return to life. And every time, I also slowly begin to have insights, and slowly feel the release, new perspectives, and some positivity.
This time, stronger than before, I think I feel more aware of how deeply I constrain myself out of habit. I constrain myself because of their reactions, or because I’m trying to control what that other person does. I think that what I do will change his patterns, for the better, for us. I have actually learned though, that the less I do to affect change like that with him, the better things go. But those good changes are only limited with someone who’s not decided that they don’t want to drink anymore. For someone who hasn’t decided that they think they can feel better or live better or be better with the person They love.
So, I am here alone, fighting a lot of depression especially in the evenings, especially when I’m trying to sleep, and especially when I’m trying to get up in the morning. But when I do good things for myself, I reinforce any positive desires that I have for change, and to become more happy.
Today I have choices. Everything that I do is a choice. And when I feel the fear, or the need to anticipate, or the need to wait for something, I can remind myself that they are just synaptic habits. That I have the choice to pay attention to my body, and pay attention to what today holds for me.
Everything I do is a choice. Choices are about freedom. I can be free.
Posted on January 31, 2015, in 12-step, AA, Addiction, Adult Children, Alanon, codependence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Inner child, Meditation, recovery, Relationship, Uncategorized, withdrawal. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.