I’ve been wanting to write an entry for a couple of days now. I want to write an entry about what I’m feeling underneath all of the attention and concentration. I feel stretched to the limit, always “plugged in”. I always feel a rush. It’s not relaxing. I feel suspended like 30 feet up in the air. I want so much for my toes to reach the ground. But i’m afraid that if I get grounded I will cry.
I thought about how to reach out in the last couple of days. To my sponsor or to another Sponsee. Or to another friend. But I don’t know how to express how this feels usually. It is like Tara Brach describes: being in kind of a “trance state. Making all the wheels spin at the same time. No rest for the mind, no rest for the body, even when I’m resting laying down on the sofa, I’m not resting at all.
I listened to Tara Brach’s latest talk today. And it was about coming back to the three things that bring you closest to yourself; in Buddhist terms, the Buddha, the Dharma, and the Sangha. I think those are the three.
The Dharma, or the present moment, came back to me.but the thing is, the present moment feels really painful. I am literally alone. I’m trying to accomplish a gargantuan task. With a crazy deadline. and I don’t have a partner around. I have closed him out. Because in reality he’s more destructive than supportive. He’s much more toxic than comforting. So I am protecting myself, but in the moment it’s devastating to think about. It’s devastating because I still miss certain things about him. And what I’m doing is refusing to indulge in an addiction.an addiction to helping someone who won’t help themselves. An addiction to avoiding my own self. So the present moment is difficult. Luckily I’m not as afraid of it as I used to be.
And the Sangha -my community- was the other element that I could allow myself to think about tonight. Tara Brach’s exercise was to think about who it is in your lifethat you feel comfortable with, or loved by, or supported by. Someone it doesn’t take much if any effort to be around. She said you could include pets. So I did that. Considering for a moment all the support I have gotten friends with my work, and from fellow travelers my step work, I was able to find some calm.and even reached out and communicated with a couple people.
The biggest revelation I had in thinking about these things tonight, was how afraid I am to experience my own reality. To pay attention to my actual circumstances and, like a good parent, Sort through them and help myself move on. I’m so afraid to be myself. I’m so afraid to be scared, and show that I’m scared be resentful and show that I’m resentful, be angry and show that I’m angry. Be happy and show that I’m happy, be lonelyand show that I am lonely. All human beings feel these things. Why do I think I shouldn’t? Imagining allowing myself makes me feel like there is a waterfall coming. The waterfall of tears.but I do have love for myself in there, Interestingly because I seem to care about other people’s waterfalls. That’s my only link to me right now, it feels like I’m so afraid to be selfish, But truly being with me is actually refuge. I want it to feel like home.
Posted on January 25, 2015, in 12-step, AA, Addiction, Adult Children, Alanon, codependence, emotional abuse, Inner child, Meditation, recovery, Relationship, withdrawal and tagged Alanon, codependence, emotional abuse, Relationship. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.