And Now What…? I know. But I’m still asking.

Traumatic before-christmas thing…where G verbally assaulted me and blamed me for him ‘possibly’ getting stopped for drinking and driving. It gives me a desperation/panic/anger attack every time I think about it. Then he kept on telling me how no matter how irresponsible he was the biggest thing was that I would watch him get stopped, and that I didn’t care… I go into a downward spiral every time I think about that because I feel compelled to defend myself and correct him and explain every single way that I have ever watched out for him while he drank and risked everything he has 100’s of times.

I have cut things off to the point of there being a very flimsy thread hanging between us… I have not been able to cut it off 100%… Which makes me feel like shit. I am still trying to feel good by giving him even the smallest chance of pulling it together. Giving him the VERY last opportunity to apologize, to find feeling and personal responsibility somewhere down deep in that gut of his.

A few days after xmas he texts me to ask me to leave a couple of things out for him so he can pick them up. I don’t respond.

New Year’s day he texts me this video…

A couple of days later I text him “…”

A day later he texts me “Good mind. Never tasted alcohol.”

I feel like he is trying to reel me back in with pity…

A couple of days later I text him, “I hope you give your mind a chance sometime.”

A week or more passes. I have been feeling the need to ‘voice’ something. Just to myself. I come across a song that really stirs up some feeling. Never in a million years would I sing something, record it, and send it… But I do. Yesterday.

Today he responds. With… a surprised face, a teary face, and a bashful face…

I don’t respond.

A few hours later, he calls. I don’t answer.

I call my sponsor and check in about it all. I have to leave a message.

I almost pick up the phone to call back. I am feeling all of the good possibilities I dream of. I don’t pick up the phone…

I come here, and write this.

I have to remember, when he calls…he wants something.

He left no message. He does not tell me any of his truth. He uses no words. He expresses nothing genuine, from him. He only reacts. He does not act.

I am used to reacting to his calls, his messages, because that is the only way I get love. If I respond to him. But he never comes from a true, intentional place.

He thinks, “oh, maybe she still loves me, so I’ll respond.”
He never thinks, “I love her, so I will do…”

I am the fuel, he is the exhaust. I don’t want to be exhaust too.


About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on January 17, 2015, in 12-step, AA, Addiction, Adult Children, Alanon, codependence, Domestic Violence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Inner child, recovery, Relationship, withdrawal. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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