Treat me with love, care, trust, and respect.
If I don’t do this, I won’t accept it from anyone else. I notices I’m sitting around alone these days, that I’m pretty starved for good company. I’m not very good company for myself.
How does one love care trust and respect themselves? When I want love from G, I look for him to put me first, before his drinking buddies,before anybody besides his kids. How do I put me first? I want you to come home, and do things with me that are important to making a home.
Care? When I look for care from G, I look for him to listen, be interested, show empathy for my feelings, and comfort me if he sees it might need it. I spent a lot of time making little gestures of physical contact towards him. For the longest time felt nice for me because I felt like I was getting a little something in the reciprocal sense. But after a while, I realized he wasjust taking it. I realized I sat beside and him for hundreds and hundreds of evenings, touching his back in his arms and caressing his head. Every once in a while I noticed if I didn’t touch him he didn’t touch me. I noticed he didn’t come halfway.
Caring for myself means paying attention to how I’m doing. Giving myself comfort when I need it. Even hugging myself or massaging myself. Or taking myself to do things that are going to be comforting like going for a walk or going to yoga. Caring is showing that I notice how I’m doing and respond.
I get to this point in this entry, and I realize it’s a lot to think about, what caring and love and respect and trust actually mean. Let alone what it means to show those things to yourself or someone else. It’s a lot to think about. Overwhelming.It’s a lot to think about changing.
Trust. Trusting G meant trying to see past my fears, the experiences I had with him, the patterns I knew he had or we had. I spent so much time trying to trust him over and over again. Trusting myself shouldbe a lot easier. But then again in order to trust oneself, we have to pay attention to what her own patterns are. What do I know about my fearful reactions, my anxiety, my anger, my sadness,my codependent and addictive behaviors? I can trust myself to come home. I can trust myself to make dinner. I don’t know what else I can trust myself with. I don’t thinkI put myself first. I don’t think I can trust myself to be aware in the moment every single time I need something for myself. I need to learn to take my time.
Respect? I certainly don’t think that my thoughts reflect respect for myself. I think I have a lot of impatience for myself. I think I have a lot of criticism for myself. I think I scare myself a lot. I think I don’t pay attention to my accomplishments, or my work ethic. I think I look down on myself. I think I don’t believe that I deserve respect from other people. I think that I think I’m not a good catch, that I’m not worthy of attention. I want to respect myself. But that’s gonna take some practice. Respecting one’s self is about giving oneselfThe benefit of the doubt that they’re doing the best they can, that they have good reason for the way they do things. Respecting someoneis trusting someone. Respecting someone is doing what you said you were going to do. Respecting someone is being trustworthy to that person. Respecting someone is always the esteeming that person, Talking in a caring way about them, never putting them down. Respecting someone is not allowing others to talk negatively about someone in your presence.I need to fulfill my responsibilities to myself, I need to show myself that I can trust me. I need to respect my needs, give myself what I need, trust that when I need something then it’s true.
Having a relationship with myself-good practice for having a relationship with someone else. But I have scary steep hill to climb.
Posted on December 22, 2014, in 12-step, AA, Addiction, Adult Children, Alanon, codependence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Inner child, recovery, Relationship, Uncategorized, withdrawal. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.