How To Not Get Into A Disloyal, Abusive Romantic Relationship
When you meet someone,
– listen to ALL of your thoughts, the good and the bad.
– pay attention to your physical sensations…the good and the bad (again).
– as you are getting to know that person, keep your attention and energy going to the things you most regularly do, especially the fun past-time things that you do for yourself, and with other people.
– remind yourself, early on, what are the things you most want in a partner, in your life with a partner. Write them down or keep them close. (If you haven’t ever tried establishing some of these things for yourself, do it now!! – whether you are with someone or not).
– if you start to put that person before yourself, consider whether you experiencing personal loss or personal gain in the process.
– consider if you have heard or seen that person do things that you were not entirely comfortable or happy with, and whether you made unspoken excuses for them. (i.e. you convince yourself that your feelings were mistaken, or you didn’t ask the other person about their words or actions out of fear of what their answer or reaction might be).
– are you experiencing an extreme level of admiration and praise from that person at some moments, and at others you are feeling incredibly lonely, or perhaps suspicious, or perhaps, deceived?
– have you felt the other person ask you for something that you were not at all comfortable with but they did not appear to be sensitive to your response? Did you hide your discomfort because you did not want to displease them?
– ask yourself periodically if you feel you have a healthy respect for the other person. If you find that any of their behaviors, words are distasteful or unattractive or you disagree with them, allow yourself time to consider whether their good attributes outweigh the bad for you.
These are just a few points I can think of right now. If anyone can add any more, or would like to share their experiences, please comment. I am really hoping to care for myself and keep caring for myself as I imagine getting into a new relationship. And I can only think about how I want that person to be ‘nice’ to me. Just plain old nice, considerate on the most basic level… It is important, as the above points stress, that I will have to learn to be self-focused in a gentle way to me, and remember that avoiding people and behaviors that are compromising is a perfectly wise and kind thing to do when getting to know new people. Being vigilant is not the same as being self-interested. And being self-interested is not at all the same as being self-absorbed or selfish. If I am not self-interested in living my life and in meeting new people, other people will not learn what I like, what I need, and how to love and respect who I am.
Posted on December 16, 2014, in 12-step, Addiction, Adult Children, codependence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Inner child, recovery, Relationship, withdrawal and tagged Alanon, codependence, emotional abuse, emotional health, mental-health, Relationship. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.