The Winding Road to Discovering, Admitting and Expressing My Own Personal Needs.
The blockage I feel every morning is my own blockage of my On my way! needs. I wake up often wanting to just sleep more or stay in bed so that time will pass and the day will feel shorter…Less time I will have to spent working on something that I never get finished…less time goin through he motions waiting for change to happen… Less time facing that things are not “the way they are supposed to be.”
Rather than pay attention to how I feel and then ask myself what I need to help my experience change, I just feel bad and then stay exasperated with my self for feeling bad. I have this expectation of my self that feeling good just starts with feeling good, not with something to feel good about, or not with meeting a need that is not met. I think my joy is supposed to be a natural state…I am just supposed to come up with it.
Just like I am supposed to be a loving supportive daughter when I get little love and support. Supposed to be a tolerant, trusting, resilient partner when I get nothing to count on from my counterpart.
They need to be met in order fore to feel human, let alone in order for me to support someone else.
I have made my needs invisible for so long because I was brought up learning that I am a good daughter if I minimalize, and minimize my needs. When I get angry and pull away from my ex/partner I saw thjngs to myself or him like “you don’t need me, go about your own shit and stop coming around”. I don’t think to say, I have unmet needs with you. I can’t give to meet your needs when I don’t feel your are meeting or interested in meeting mine.
All if this, however, comes from the mind of a woman who has a virtually impossible time of meeting her own needs.
In the morning I am paralyzed. I stay in bed because I do not know how to fulfill my need for companionship. I don’t know what to give myself. I have identified nutritional needs…my need for exercise, spiritual counsel, and quiet so that I don’t feel drown out by others thoughts and needs. But I don’t know what I need to get through my day.
I am stuck on needin what I think is “supposed to be”, not on needing based on what really “is”. I am stuck on needing someone to change, on waiting to get what I need from them when they finally do change.
What if it is true that that someone is not able to or going to satisfy what I want in a relationship? What if I am not around anyone who wants to be my significant other in the way I want or need? He natural thing would be to focus elsewhere…
What if I have not yet defined my needs?
The natural thing would be to start doing that…
Posted on October 21, 2014, in 12-step, AA, Addiction, Adult Children, Alanon, codependence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Inner child, recovery, Relationship, withdrawal. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.