Feeling squeezed right now.
Rather than try to go about my business despite feeling squeezed, anxious, worried, scared, pressured, disappointment, tired… I would like to sit with the feelings.
It feels terrible.
How can I sit with the feelings?
T. Brach suggests begin with the feelings. Looking upon them with curiosity. Being welcoming. Being soothing to myself as I allow myself to experience them.
That is the most difficult thing…
If I did sit with them, however, I might actually listen to them.
The reasons why I feel those things are that:
– I can’t continue to have a relationship with someone who does not care that I want to have kids, does not care that I want to have kids within a good relationship, with a good future, within comforting surroundings and supportive attentive comforting people.
– I can’t continue to have a relationship with someone who compromises his own well-being all the time. Who does not know how to or care to know how to create something better.
But I am still answering his calls, still answering his texts, still spending the time with him, opening my life to him…Still allowing myself to get caught up in the POSSIBILITY that he will want something better.
“Possibility” is nothing real.
I want real. For sure. Actions that indicate shared vision and commitment.
I am pissed with myself. I keep myself in an insecure place. Like I was when I was young. Because if I got out I would offend my mother. Make her feel like I thought she didn’t love me or care for me adequately. I choose to stay because my positive experience is less important that the statement of sacrifice that I make when I continue to stay in the less than positive experience.