What Does It Feel Like

This coming Tuesday evening will be my last Group Therapy session after 9 months. My mind and time have been so filled with work, G, and other self-care things that I have not honestly taken any time to think about what it will be like not to have that time to work through things, listen, talk, express, process for myself amongst a few other regular human beings.

I think I will miss it after the sessions have been done for 3 weeks or so… I will try not to simply get panicky or worried, or disappointed or freaky. I will try to simply pay attention to myself at these times… As I was sitting here trying to rewrite a chapter it occurred to me…’what do I have next week?’ Therapy on Monday, Group Therapy on Tuesday… and then it occurred to me… I have been going to both of these every week. And usually just feeling in ‘work’ mode about it. Feeling like I need to do these things, ‘tasking’ myself with these things, figuring out how to do them ‘well’, gearing myself to learn, absorb ‘knowledge’ about how to feel better. Like it is a course at school. But what I just heard in my head was also a recognition that I have been taking care of myself with those things. I secured those things (as well as 12-step meetings, dance class, sailing) as a wellness and self-love regime. Waiting for the love to come from elsewhere. But I have created a safe week for MYSELF.

I remember months and years before now, wanting a more consistent therapy schedule, feeling like once a month or once every couple of weeks is too far apart for sessions for me… And I kept on looking for more help, more resources, kept on trying to bring things out about myself that would convince therapists that I needed more help (while trying to pretend I was not feeling THAT BADLY at the same time.) I finally did it. One more weekly group therapy session left and I see that I got myself weekly help on my own. I kept it on my own. I asked for it and somehow expressed that I needed it – while being terrified of appearing weak or needy…

I have been taking care of myself. Building trust in myself. Building a sense of security in my every day and weekly life…

What does it feel like to feel not stranded, not overwhelmed, not like I have to carry every difficult thing on my shoulders no matter what? If feels great – I am still getting used to that feeling, and will continue to get used to it… But what feels the most surprising and not at all formidable (finally), is that I created that without anyone else’s help – well, with others’ help, but help that came only after I decided what I needed and kept on pursuing it. I didn’t even know exactly what I needed all of the time. I just knew I needed help…

It’s not a terrible thing to be in need of help, support, safe relationships, etc.
It just hurts to do nothing about being in need of those things.


About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on September 26, 2014, in 12-step, AA, Addiction, Adult Children, Alanon, codependence, Domestic Violence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Inner child, recovery, Relationship, withdrawal. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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