Tender Affective Human Woman
Affective (def.): of, caused by, or expressing emotion or feeling; emotional.
News to me – I am of emotion. I am caused by emotion. I express and feel emotion.
And none of this is a bad thing. All good. I am emotion. I am many other things. But I am a trove of emotion.
Saturday my pain came out. For the 1000th time. And I set myself up for it. I could not keep my space in the world peaceful. I was doing a good job for a little while, and then I let him back in. Thinking that he really might, this time, value the peace and un-troublesome world I am trying to create and live in.
But no, he doesn’t REALLY appreciate it. He just likes that it is there when he decides to ‘come back’.
When I talked about my decision in a session today, I experienced a major emotional flashback…
It was more than a flashback. It was like time travel for my emotions.
As I recounted the moment(s) where I finally, after hours, responded to G’s text and let him back in, I felt faint, light-headed, overwhelmed, out of breath, zapped of energy. Like I did when I was 9yrs old and my mother was ‘nagging’ at me incessantly one Saturday morning to do the housework. I literally pretty much fainted right in front of her. It was like her demands knocked me over. The reality of my fragility. The truth of what I feel, how much I am capable of doing, absorbing, hiding, putting up with, how tired and scared and angry I really am…
Before, I would always deny the truth of how tired I am. How angry I am. How sucked dry I feel. I am letting it come up more now. The efforts at giving myself comfort are allowing the contrast to show – how bereft of my true experience of things I have allowed myself to get. Ashamed of my experience. Scared of how the truth of my experience will distance me from people that I think love me, from whom I think I receive caring, admiration.
More often now, when I don’t receive those things, when I discover I am not really receiving those things my gauge swings sharply to the minus side of “0”. I hadn’t noticed before, allowed myself to notice before, or allowed others to notice…I masked it by compensating for them. Lying about where my focus was or how much I felt screwed by their actions (or lack of). I thought I was worth less, I thought I looked less strong, less worthy, less loving if I could not handle people’s ignorance, insensitivity, disregard, deception, abuse.
It is a harsh truth to learn – ironically – that my own emotional truth is the truth I am supposed to live by. That fainting when I am overwhelmed and yelling when I am 10 miles past my patient point are actually valuable signs of what I need, what I want, how I feel. Value. My impatience and disappointment are not negative attributes. They are signs of what I WANT, what I NEED, how valuable I think my time and energy and feelings and needs and wants are.
This emotional Trove is not ugly or scary or crazy or anything bad. It is a Trove of answers to the questions, what do I do today, how do I respond today, what do I choose today…
Posted on September 22, 2014, in 12-step, AA, Addiction, Adult Children, Alanon, codependence, Domestic Violence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Inner child, Meditation, recovery, Relationship. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.