My Pomp And Circumstances…
I should be writing a lot down these days. I am just now trying to title and print out some (relatively) rough drafts of 6 thesis chapters, a day after I found out that my Supervisor is not keen on giving me an extension for the degree this year.
It’s not like I didn’t know I have frustrated her.
I lie to myself too much. And I am suffering for it.
I am keeping close to me a person who I am absolutely ‘sick’ of listening to because he lies to himself constantly. But I can only say that I have kept the relationship in my life for so long because I am good at lying to myself too.
And when you’re this good at lying to yourself it is really more and more difficult to identify the truth…
Last week I skipped Group Therapy for example, because a friend of mine invited me on a friend’s boat for race night. It the past couple of weeks it has really come so clear to me how I WORK so hard at everything. Work hard at therapy, work hard at thinking about work. Work hard at work. And abandon myself as I am slave-driving myself. Someone at Group actually said to me a couple of weeks ago how they are amazed at how much I think about my ‘stuff’ in between meetings…and that they don’t think about it almost at all. I realized when they said that that I feel like I am spinning my wheels. And when I was invited to go sailing I thought, “I need a break from ‘working’ on my therapy…I should go do something that is supposed to be fun…”
When I decided to skip the meeting all I could do was think of what I could say about why I didn’t go. Anything to cover up what I actually did. And I just realized in the last couple of days how my decision was not that ‘bad’. I made the decision based on what I needed… And it was a good one, I think.