Last Tuesday in Group (been going for 8 months now to Group Therapy), someone shared their thoughts with me (and the others there) on my sharing and their reaction to or experience of it, and how they think I share… The clear messages for me were that, 1) i share terribly carefully, clearly, articulately – they understand and often can take something away from what I say, but 2) at the end of my shares people often don’t know what to say, and 3) he sometimes loses interest while i’m sharing and his mind wanders because I seem to share things from my head but not from my heart…”There is no hook”
Essentially I heard kind of what I already knew… That I am dry. That I am empty. That there is nothing interesting in here…That I am void of feeling. That I have been putting on a show and no one sees what it is really about. I feel foolish. I feel silly. I feel like a ruse. I have been working so hard to share and nothing comes of it, because the effort I am making to put myself out there is harnessed with the effort I am making to keep myself safe…my feelings safe… I am trying to be vulnerable and not vulnerable at exactly the same time…
The other thing that came up in that meeting is, for a couple of people, how the people in the meeting are not ‘gel-ing’. That we haven’t got to a real point of everyone really organically getting their shit ‘out there’ and others organically responding and interacting. There is a lot of cautiousness in the group. And there is a lot of timid-ness and fear masquerading as ‘politeness’…from my perspective… One person said that the sharing is so stunted partly because when people start to ‘monologue’ the whole point of the meeting is lost. The ‘monologuing’ I feel was (mostly) implying my shares…
I resented that. Partly because…well, at least I share in the meeting… People complaining about the dynamic being off…the same people who don’t bother to make the dynamic something else, are so…irritating… People blaming other people for their experience of something…Grrr.
And that is coming from the mind of a woman who goes to these meetings and tries as hard as she can so that she can self-examine and learn how to make changes to be more at peace with herself and others… I put myself out there, in the best way I know how…and others want to use words like ‘monologuing’ to describe other people’s shares when they don’t share anything about themselves… They only share things about other people. I want to say “cowards!”… But when I hear myself think it I see the resentment and anger that is obviously being lit up from deeper places inside me.
I work so hard and I don’t even know how to do what I am there to do…
I am trying to share things about myself so that people will know how I feel. So that people will give their honest impression of me, the events in my life, and my reaction to them… I am the only person who has the guts…awareness to really put myself out there and I am the one who gets ‘talked about’…
I responded to much of what was being said with an honest effort to not take responsibility for things that are not mine in the meeting…like other people’s choices to share or not share. But I tried to defend myself and share a trace of my reaction at the same time.
I knew that I was sharing and trying to share in a way that didn’t feel too vulnerable. And that, in itself, got me backlash or responses that poked at my vulnerability. But mostly, the experience of leaving the meeting having had my emotionless shares held up close to my face, had me scrambling to think of something I could do, a place I could go, or a person I could talk to so that I could find some feelings and share them like a human being. And also looking for the reason why I was…to me…putting on this charade of ‘sharing’ when I actually was trying to keep control of everything I say and how I say it…
Today, in my counseling appointment…the connections came…
The messages I have gotten in my early life:
– other people’s anger or pain is because of you, especially if they take it out on you
– your feelings and true experiences of things cause other people pain
– I am always only a moment away from being seriously hurt.
– my hurt is to be covered up
– I can not look at a needle go into me at the doctor’s office, or look at my limb with a broken bone, or look at my own torn flesh when I need stitches because…they are only proof of how easily I can be hurt, how close I am to being alone, how painful it is for people to demean, or minimize, or deny that I have been hurt.
No one who has hurt me has suffered recourse. Not even by my mother. Not my father.
My feelings are simply like bait on a fishing line that is going to catch a shark that is going to not just jump up and ingest my rod, but it is going to ingest me with it… Dangling my feelings is like dangling a bloody piece of meat over shark-infested waters.
I feel that scared of my feelings. That scared of sharing them, showing them, being them.
Posted on August 18, 2014, in 12-step, AA, Addiction, Adult Children, Alanon, codependence, Domestic Violence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Inner child, physical abuse, recovery, Relationship, Uncategorized, withdrawal. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.