What Do I Want Today To Have Been?


When I look back on today….I want it to have been happy. I want to feel like my self filled this day. I want to look back on the things I did to take care of myself and take care of things. I want not to cry for myself and for how I was helpless.

My ego wants things to just ‘go back the way they were’ — having the good things about G here… But that ego is just looking for things that show the ‘potential’ for happiness. My ego just wants to see things in my day that show the ‘reasons why G should be nice to me…’  ‘reasons why things will get better’. My ego wants to fight for what ‘could’ be. My ego wants something incomplete that is dependent on someone else’s efforts.

Even though my ego is bored and having a temper tantrum…I know that doing the most ‘boring’ things to ‘take care of things’ in my life are going to get me back to stable ground. It is a humbling experience to choose to take care of things at home. Clearing away the rubble I always find more to clear away…and after these years of self examination I can now recognize the rubble under the rubble. Before I could only see the surface.

I did not want to ask myself this question today…What do I want my day to be…Because my ego thinks that my day can not be good. Without G. If G is not here I have failed to ‘make’ that. I have failed to be the pillars that holds it all up. Doing the dishes and writing my dissertation do not seem like really extravagant, impactful plans. Making sure G knows that I love him by compromising my basic life, I was taught, is a much more ‘heroic’ plan.

But here, after 5 years of doing that, I have nothing more than (still) a (partner) who is always at the brink of destruction. No home. No children. No joint commitment to health and happiness.

It feels counter-intuitive, the thought that getting up and doing the dishes is the right thing to do in this  moment — putting away the camping stuff that has been waiting for me for a week. Finishing Chapter 4. What are those going to do for my relationship?

I didn’t know that I was supposed to ask: “What is this relationship going to do for me?”

And now I really have to stand back. And look at my own relationship with me and with the world around me and ask, “What kind of relationship do I want here?” Over all of the haunted voices in my head I need to ask myself, “What is going to make a relationship that I want with me and the world today?” “What is going to bring calm, clarity, sober emotion, assuredness, sincerity, genuineness, free movement…?”

Ego:

Stop being so melodramatic

Spirit:

You are scared of where you are. You want to be in a better place. A feeling of emotional lack of control is perfectly understandable. You are aware of how far you are from being in a contented place. You are feeling the urgency to find your way back to your path.

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About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on August 11, 2014, in 12-step, AA, Addiction, Adult Children, Alanon, codependence, Domestic Violence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Inner child, Meditation, recovery, Relationship, Uncategorized, withdrawal. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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