Chapter 2 – The First Big Shift.
Things are different now. I have been thinking this for days, if not a couple of weeks…
Today I got up, did yoga, had breakfast, did some work (while I procrastinated with some knitting and watching a couple of things). Then I went out to meet someone who has asked me to be their sponsor. We had a 2-hour conversation. Then I came home and felt like I needed to hibernate, even though I really need to work on Chapter 4 of my Thesis.
Ended up watching tv – movies and tv shows all evening.
But I don’t feel the desperation inside that I did before.
I left G at the campsite on Monday.
It got messy again and I decided to pack up and go. He got mean and intimidating. I got just a little mean back. And then I left.
AGain, no assertive conclusion on my part. Only the act of leaving. Not saying goodbye. Not answering his calls.
I feel like I am doing the right thing and making huge mistakes at exactly the same time. Before I just felt mainly fear. Fear of him hating me. Fear of him not making any effort to get me back. Now I feel the fear that I will not make it through my own doubt and regret.
Now I can itemize the reasons, so many more reasons why being alone here at my apartment is so much better.
He was feeling sick on the weekend. He wanted to cuddle and he wanted a head rub. And he wanted comfort from me. The last time I was sick he said he was “coming home to ‘take care of me'”. He didn’t take care of me when he got home. The time before that was New Years. I was so sick I couldn’t get out of bed. He dropped in after a few beer to do some kind of duty of looking in on me. Then he took off and didn’t come back. Instead he went to a neighbor’s party and go drunk.
We are really different to each other.
He is doing anew job right now. Managing the job. Paying other people. And he is terrible at organizing and paying money out. And keeping track of his own. I make him a spreadsheet and talk to him about the things he can do to keep track of all of the money, the time, and the job tasks etc.
I am writing a thesis. He criticizes my education, making fun of me so that he doesn’t look bad. He tells me I shouldn’t be working so much when I am at the office every day for long days (when the work takes me away from time with him).
I make sure he doesn’t have to worry about things that I can take of for myself, like my own money and my own home things, my car, etc. He tells me all the time that he owes money, that his internet is being cut off. That his ex is pissed up because he doesn’t give her money. He says how is roommate doesn’t give him money for the rent. He loses jobs 3 times in a row and blames other people. He gets stopped by the cops. He gets his car impounded. He has to go to court for the violations.
I used to think I had to empathize with him about all of this, and more. Now I think I can listen, if I feel like it. I have always thought that the other person’s problems were my problems.
Now, I am learning away from that. I have my own problems. And none of them get my attention or action when I am preoccupying myself with someone else’s.
I am learning that taking care of myself is the first most important thing. Nothing gets done, nothing happens, unless I take care of myself first.
I am laying in my own apartment, not seething emotionally about how he “should be” doing so many things. I am laying here waiting for my courage and self interest to kick back in again, after leaving him at the campsite.
I am allowed to breathe.
Chapter 2 is about a shift. A shift from fear and loss to…bravery, patience, open-mindedness, faith in my ability to care, starting over.
Posted on August 7, 2014, in 12-step, AA, Addiction, Adult Children, Alanon, codependence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Inner child, Meditation, recovery, Relationship, Uncategorized, withdrawal. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.