What I Learned

His Anger was Because of Me

I thought his anger was because of me.

When I was (really young), my Dad was reading me a bedtime story, and tried to smother me with a pillow when I wouldn’t stop crying, and I wouldn’t tell him what was wrong. I will never forget not being able to breathe. I will never forget how I had absolutely no ability to save myself.

He lifted the pillow after a number of seconds and just got up and left the room.

Which means I laid there alone. Just relieved to be alive. Having learned that if I want to stay safe I should…
– not cry
– not act vulnerable
– always have an explanation

Interestingly, none of those things are really possible for any human.
But I tasked myself with those things, until now…

So, I spent most of my childhood feeling in jeopardy. For having feelings. For being a child. For not being able to explain myself. When no one needs to feel unsafe for any of those things.

It is absolutely shocking how my response to that, and other similar childhood experiences has remained a consistent part of how I live every day. For about 35 years.

I have been in relationships where I have had to or felt it was appropriate to hide my humanity, the most basic things about myself. And where it has been normal for people to criticize or demand I explain my self for things that do not require any explanation. I have spent my life feeling like I was not right, or normal, or ok in the eyes of the people most important to me, and therefor not ok in the eyes of anyone else… That I should prove myself first and enjoy acceptance later. I got into relationships that were a test or a trial or a chore for me to accomplish. Because the most basic things about me were unacceptable when I was a child.

Coming out of this is absolutely…insane.

About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on July 31, 2014, in 12-step, AA, Addiction, Adult Children, Alanon, codependence, Domestic Violence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Inner child, physical abuse, recovery, Relationship, Uncategorized, withdrawal. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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