Why Now?


Why, when I walk out of Group therapy and talk to G and he is picking up his son (which is great because that means he is not drunk) and he is going to get groceries for dinner (which is great because he is doing it and not me) and he says “we’ll be home in about a half hour” do I suddenly feel a gush of anxiety??

I am here, out of a meeting with 30 minutes to fill and nothing ‘small’ to do to fill that time… And nothing with which I can make myself useful…

Maybe that is it…
Maybe I am afraid…he doesn’t need me… I am not a part of the equation because I didn’t have to do anything… Maybe I feel guilty because I was in Group and therefore wasn’t available to do what he ‘needed’… Maybe I am not really that integral…when he can do things for himself.

Wow, this is something I want to bring up in group next week. This experience of sudden onset anxiety. The feeling that I have no place to go, nothing to do, and that makes me panic…
That makes me panic because…He usually is getting tolerance from me, me putting up with things, and that is my biggest draw. When he is not needing me to take care of things…how am I a valuable part of life…valuable to him…? I don’t necessarily know…
Being independent is no good.because then there are no ties… Tolerance and putting out fires…that is what relationships are made of…
??!! In my past experience…

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About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on June 4, 2014, in 12-step, Addiction, Adult Children, Alanon, codependence, emotional sobriety, Inner child, recovery, Relationship. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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