Words


I am frustrated in the moments where there are not the words to describe my experience or what I am feeling or the mixture and shifting or change or evolutions of feelings and understandings.

I had group therapy today. It started out being me and the 4 guys along with the two facilitators. And then this girl arrived who has not been to the meeting in probably two months.

This girl is interesting, in a good way I guess, but I have cringed hard a few times in reaction to what she has said. She has a seriously volatile reaction to people acting in ways that are not consistent with the way she thinks she learned to ‘do things’ in her life. Someone is an ‘asshole’ if they are not responsive to her. Someone is a ‘bad person’ if they do not react in a way that makes her think that they are ‘caring’. People deserve to be called names and flogged if they do not meet her standards or do not do what she would do. Yet she says she was taught to be ‘polite’ to everyone no matter what. She makes me cringe. She is one of those people who is a trap. Like G. Things have to be ‘fair’ or ‘done right’ or someone gets blamed. But she is so ‘nice’…Just always for a price…

I find a lot out about myself if I make the effort to observe my reactions to what this girl says. And I learn a lot, period, if I listen to other people in the room responding to her or asking her questions or explaining things to her. I get to learn how I am thinking, and also how I am NOT yet capable of thjnking.

I absolutely have a huge fear of sounding or coming across as narrow minded or simple minded…making snap judgments about people, because I am super scared of being scrutinized or judged myself. So this exercise of getting to know people at group therapy and having them get to know me and learning how people think…and learning how I think about how other people think, and learning what other people think about how I think…Super amazing experience. Even though the process can make me cringe at moments and scare me often, I come out of there often, like tonight, feeling more human and less alone. Others affirm my perspectives or help me to see new ones (with or without trying) and I somehow come out of there with a sense that I am growing. I am 41 and I am growing…growing hugely as a person That may be the most comforting thing.

Because going to therapy or getting any kind of ‘help’ happens when we are in a rut or a bad place or desperate for comfort or care. These group sessions help me to see that things can change. And at this point of my life, with the circumstances of my life right now, any change is Grrreat.

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About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on May 28, 2014, in 12-step, AA, Addiction, Adult Children, Alanon, codependence, emotional sobriety, Inner child, Meditation, recovery, Relationship, Uncategorized, withdrawal. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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