I am still lying in bed. My mind boiling madly over yesterday. Trying to resolve the conflict within myself. Looking for the core problem within myself…The reasons why I:

– played the helpless victim face-to-face with the traumatized alcoholic in my life.
– allowed myself to get caught in the a vortex, a vortex of flying distractions and ‘bones’ that he threw out there to get my ‘compliance’, so that he could control what I was going to do… He. Did it over and over yesterday.
– tried to see his ‘reasoning’ (when he really has little if any such skills), negotiated about things that inside me are not negotiable…

All because I thought…learned to think a long time ago, that my happiness, the love that I will get in this world, comes from finding a way to give someone else what they need…
If I make him feel cared for, I will be guaranteed the same…

Then after a day like yesterday I wonder why I feel so stripped of…my own happiness, my interests, the beauty of my caring intentions. After all of that listening and compromising and conceding…

Conceding…giving it all away…

Holding onto myself can not include giving anything away… With him…?


About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on May 26, 2014, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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