He Is Not In Recovery
The other day, before I relapsed and went over to my ex’s to spend time with he and his kids, my sponsor advised me to remember, when I get there, as I was paying attention to my experience of being there and thinking about how to interact with him…that he is NOT in recovery.
When she reminded me of that I relaxed a bunch. It calmed me because if I knew that, then I knew what to expect, I think. And because my expectations of a respectful, loving partner were adjusted to reflect what I CAN expect from someone who not only feels as though their life is a constant struggle that threatens to overwhelm them constantly, but also someone who is in denial about that and who will simply respond to every situation by drinking, and/or getting irritated, tired, blaming… I could depend on what I knew instead of what I was desperate for from him. And I felt more secure and had empathy right away. Before I had decided to start asking for my own help and reflecting on and changing myself, I was clueless and on the edge all the time…desperate and unpredictable. He is clueless and scared and wants to be happy but does not know why his drinking and codependent efforts keep failing.
I am in recovery and as long as I am, I know that I am good person and can continue to become a better person. I do not feel as useless and as vulnerable to others’ neglect or disrespect. And I am learning that the love I can feel comes from many places, not usually including someone who can not yet love themselves.
I could go see my ex with appreciation for ‘where he’s at’ and respect and empathize with him, feeling ok that nothing I do can make him feel better in his state. In recovery I am experiencing becoming a more complete person, believing that everything I am and everything I give is super awesome withOUT his affirmation…and without seeing signs that he is getting better.
I think that is one of the most debilitating things I am feeling today…is the devastation from my attachment to an outcome that I wish was there, that ‘should’ be there considering the effort I make, considering the parts of myself I freely give. Considering how much I love him. I freak out when I believe that he loves me less because he cannot reciprocate.
I am learning that I must remind myself that he is NOT in recovery, he does not want it yet, AND that my contributions to him, to us need to reflect that understanding. That understanding will free me from these emotional falls from grace. Figure out what kinds of ‘giving’ I can dole out without feeling like I got ‘taken’, if any. AND ask myself what it is I think will be the outcome of my ‘giving’. Do I expect a miraculous Change in him as a result of my gestures of love and forgiveness? If I do, I should hold onto those gestures until I don’t have those expectations OR until I am assured he is on the same page – probably the recovery page. Exercise my freedom of choice, and freedom to love myself.
That is the freedom that understanding both recovery and lack of recovery are going to give me.
I want that comfort every moment of every day.
I don’t quite yet have enough recovery, however to survive too long of a period of exposure to my ex…
He is a manipulative pro. And he doesn’t even realize. And I forget – putting on my own blinders and taking a leap of faith that my gestures will work miracles… He acts like they do until he needs another drink.
It’s is difficult and sad…these moments when he feels so far away in so many ways.
Luckily I am becoming aware that there is more to life and happiness now. Love is everywhere. And There is more to discover.
And I pray.
Posted on May 21, 2014, in 12-step, AA, Addiction, Adult Children, Alanon, codependence, Domestic Violence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Inner child, recovery, Relationship, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.