I think I am embarrassed about my own feelings today. I am feeling weepy and fooled and taken for granted. I am embarrassed to admit that. I am embarrassed because of the thoughts in my head that, ‘I knew he would only take what he can get.’ He does, as a habit, take what he can get and no more, and then he runs off with that temporary fix because he is afraid to ask for more in case I say no, and feels incapable of really committing himself and reciprocating because he knows that would move alcohol way down his priority list.

I know in my head that that is all about him; he wants to be free to drink on his own schedule, I does not want to feel shame for hurting my (or anyone’s) feelings, he needs to control his surroundings completely, or mostly, so that he can handle his own panic and anxiety and so he can self-medicate when it suits him.
But my codependence tries to trick me: 1) into thinking that him trying to control the whole situation is because I did something wrong, 2) that he can actually blame his own actions on me. 3) that I have no leg to stand on.

The fact is that I hate the reality/fact that I can not have closeness with him on my terms as well as his. As long as he is keeping drinking firmly integrated into his life our togetherness is ruled by his drinking or by my willpower, or both…and then explosion.

But I am trying to give my will over to my higher power.

And that effort, my recovery, is battling with my hope, vision, belief in, and love for him. I am trying not to let the reality of his actual state break my heart…

Belief in him, and cherishing me. Can there be both…? It’s like I can believe in him but should not act on that belief. And to cherish myself I have to put aside my belief in him oftentimes. Maybe even put it in a box… And close the lid. And then I must take action to cherish myself. Most times doing things for myself feels like I am…burning myself on a hot stove, or something of the like.

Embarrassed or what! “Silly! Don’t put yourself out there for someone who is not going to treasure or cherish or appreciate that self…Even if you believe in him. Interaction must be conducted on a moment-to-moment basis… Taking account of how reciprocal the exchange has been. Stopping when it is only one way.

And also, ask yourself, Shantelle : Is he in recovery? No.
And what does that mean he is going to do…EVERY SINGLE TIME…?

Drink first. Drink last. Lie to drink. Lie to do things and hide them. Pit people around him against each other. Hide how he feels except if he ‘loses it’ while he’s drunk – then his feelings will come out distorted…

I will have to leave him to his own devices. Remind myself every day…

See next post…


About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on May 21, 2014, in 12-step, AA, Addiction, Adult Children, Alanon, codependence, emotional abuse, emotional sobriety, Inner child, recovery, Relationship, Uncategorized, withdrawal. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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