I read this post the day before yesterday and felt like I was reading a lot about myself

Lately it is like I am waking up and moving through air made of molasses or something of the like. My body and mind WANT so much to move slower and slower. Initially I just thought that it was physical fatigue, emotional exasperation, depression, etc… Which it probably all is. But I came to also think that it is simple a symptom of the fact that my mind and my body need me to slow down. When I feel I am moving at too a slow pace for my own liking, I end up trying to multi-task and make it look like I am doing ‘a bunch of things at once’ so that I don’t look (or feel) as slow as I am feeling. Doing one thing at a time would look too ‘easy’ or like I was taking too much time… [When I was a young girl, my mother used to interrupt me when I was doing ANYTHING to ask me to do something else, or something else “too” to help her…at there was no choice because she was always ‘desperate’ or wanted her thing done ‘now’. So I developed an anxiety while I was concentrating on one thing at a time] But these days, I get up, have things enter my head one after the other after the other, whether I laid out a clear plan or schedule the day before or not, and I end up starting all things listed in my head, and jumping from one to the other all day, feeling scattered, distracted, and spread thin, but all in the effort to give ‘someone’ the impression that I am being ‘productive’ and not ‘missing anything’. In the past few days I noticed that…I am all alone here doing this. Turning myself into a walking tizzy when no one is around to see this “productivity” I am hoping to exude.

I haven’t been around G for just over 3 months now. And no one else is here to ‘see’ me ‘be’ anything in this crazy-making multitasking creation of mine. The other day, I noticed…that it’s like I am putting on a show of ‘capability’ and ‘productivity’ or even just ‘struggle’ so that I ‘look’ like I am working hard, so that I look like I am caring about every little thing, so that I look like I am ‘covering all my bases’…but for no one but me. I am the only one here!

Getting a little perspective is surely a result of doing all of my ‘inner’ work these days (alanon, ACA, yoga, meditation, sponsor-sponsee…) and in effect learning compassion in general. The fact is that I caught myself looking at myself with a glimpse of compassion. I saw myself spreading myself thin, ‘putting on a show’, trying to avoid looking like I miss G, trying to avoid looking like I don’t know what to do next, avoid looking like I am struggling with the one thing I am not working on (thesis)… The fact is that with no one else’s voice or perspective in the vicinity I caught myself looking upon myself with some understanding…!

And because my nature (learned or not, I don’t know) is to care where care is needed, help where help is needed, attend where attention is needed, all of a sudden I have to help myself…MYSELF…!!! What the…?!

I caught myself noticing that myself needs a breather. I caught myself seeing that I wanted to slow down, I want to sit, and I want to decide; which ONE thing do I want to or need to do in the moment that I can do and complete. Only one thing, before moving on to the next ONE thing. Just the realization felt like a relief. Just the realization.

The rest of it…The doing…is excruciating difficult to get a handle on…

But once I started to pay attention to myself, I really had to choice but to keep on doing it. Like I am with others who can help themselves…latching on and turning in a loyalty-crazy-person, I feel like I am starting to get a little hooked on giving my desperate self some attention. Once I start being nice to myself like I am nice to others, I can’t abandon myself. I may just be turning into my own project… And it is ok to make OURSELVES our project, right? Not others, OURSELVES…

So, while at moments I am missing G so much I want to dive into the deep ocean of that missing feeling inside…because it was somehow so rewarding before…and I almost fool myself into thinking I should because that is paying attention to myself too. But I am, in this moment, of the opinion that I can only Indulge that ‘missing him’ in very small droplets, or I will lose myself in it. I want to see him and talk to him so much at moments right now. I want to feel that feeling of ‘connected’ with him. But as I watch myself this morning, as I care for the state I am in right now…I know that missing him, although a huge and substantial part of my emotional world right now, is only one single part of what I have to acknowledge and take care of inside myself and in my world…

I am lost with myself right now…because I don’t know how to respond to my own needs. I have not spent time in my life developing and pursuing my own desires and abilities, and healthy mutually beneficial relationships. I don’t know what to do with a sink full of dishes, when to do them, how I feel about them, why I feel that way about them. Same with my un-vaccuumed livingroom carpet, my unfinished chapter, my sleepy eyes. They are all mysteries to me because they are turning into something that I have never understood before. They are turning into more than simply obstacles or inconveniences that lie between me and ‘surviving’ today or pretending my unflappability…

I am not unflappable. I am just a pro at showing such a thing. I am completely ‘flapped’ right now. So flapped that I have been blown over onto the ground and cannot get up. That thought of getting up and multitasking with all of the little and big things that I think ‘have’ to be done today, that I think will ‘qualify’ me for love and worth and make me ‘complete’ just keeps me stuck to the ground like a crashed kite that is caught between me pulling and the wind pushing, and its corner stuck in the dirt. And the only way to get myself unstuck from the ground in these wild winds of my own confusion and struggle…is very Gently and…very Sloowly…One puny little movement at a time…


About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on May 17, 2014, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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