Love And Loathing
Is there such a thing? Can I really claim to Love and Loathe someone at the same time? Can I miss him with all of the vibrations in my body and my gut wrench with disgust and profane ire at exactly the same time? Can I care about someone who is so super-dedicated to preserving his addictive habits and care about myself at the same time? Can I actually say that I feel love for he or I while I resent and hate him for the manipulative web he constantly tried to weave me into so that he could indulge his own guilt, loneliness, desperation, deceit, etc., etc., etc…?
I hate right now that I can not have any tender memories of him without ‘asides’ of regret and of horror. I hate that the tenderness I gave may always have been because he was in such a bad way. That my love is a bandaid. And therefore that kind of love, my love, is really unnecessary, obsolete, in a world where the love we actually need comes from ourselves and from, for those who believe, in our higher power.
If I had loved him properly from the start…Perhaps it never would have started…